Well, It has been almost 6 months since the last time I have updated my blog. Not good at all. To be honest I have written blogs out but in the end decided against posting because they just seemed whiny and repetitive. So, I am hoping this one does not sound that way.
The most recent update is...We are still adopting!! The stinky part of that update is that we are moving nowhere. We started with a number in the 60's and if you can believe it, in 7 months we have only gone up (Meaning our number has gotten higher)! So we are further on the list than when we started. I have sent emails and asked tons of questions but no one seems to be able to explain to me this phenomenon. I spoke with our family coordinator and she said at least another 18 months to go. And thats on the low end of things. Could be as much as 24 months.
That being said...I am struggling. At the beginning you realize this is a possibility, an option, but the reality is really no fun. I envy those who walked into adoption and under a year had their child home. We are looking at a total of 3-4 years start to finish. Like I said I knew it was an option but realistically I didn't think it was for us! There I have said it...you never think the bad case scenario happens to you right?
Bad case scenario meaning my arms are still empty and my heart and head thought they would be full by now. Please don't misunderstand, I am a mother who has two happy healthy little girls at home and Scott and I thank the Lord every day for them. They do keep me busy and our life is full of laughter and fun...but 18 months ago I decided something was going to happen and it hasn't happened as I thought it would. I know...my bad! And now I'm struggling through my own disappointment in my expectations of adoption.
But we continue to pray. Pray for God's timing, God's peace, God's will! All of these things are good and right and yet I'm struggling. We are praying that the country doesn't close entirely (that would be worse case scenario!). And we are praying that in the wait God prepares our hearts. We are also praying that financially God continues to provide. This November all of our time dated items in our dossier expire which means more money to renew what has already been done.
But ultimately I wanted you to know that although I am struggling through this time...I am prayerfully struggling through. I would love it if you would pray with and for me. Again, thank you to everyone who has supported us in so many different ways. We could not do this without you.
I hope you read this and know that it may sound a little, 'yucky' for lack of a better word, but I am confident that God is refining and working on me and my trust in Him through this wait. Doesn't mean I like it...But I know His way is better and His time is better and His peace makes it bearable.
Love y'all!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Saturday, November 26, 2011
It's Beginning to look a lot like....
CHRISTMAS!!
Well, Thanksgiving is officially over and we have our tree up!
We also got a Choo Choo Train this year to put underneath the tree because Anna is a big train fan. And the girls have had so much fun watching it go around and around!
And also the start of the Christmas season brings our first #! Our # refers to our placement on the Dossier list. Now technically this is the unofficial list because our agency is unable to tell us our number officially due to privacy laws but we are excited to have an unofficial number! So here is our number, in Christmas Choo Choo style!
61!!!!
We are super excited to finally be on the list. It is moving rather slowly at this point so I'm not sure how quickly we will get another number but the wait has started!! Please continue to pray for us as we walk closer and closer to bringing our baby boy home!
Love y'all!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Stories
Well, The holidays are upon us and that means lots of food! And decorations and yummy smells and hopefully cooler weather. It also means lots of story telling in our house! Every day Lily asks 5 times a day for a story. Here recently she has started telling me stories and it has been so neat to watch as her imagination takes over and she creates. But when it comes to my story telling, I admit, I am not nearly as creative so I usually tell stories from the Bible. Last night we went through Jonah and Joseph and the story of when Jesus was born. (Funny side note: at almost 4 she really is so perceptive but last night as we were talking about Jesus dying on the cross and being buried I asked her what happened when 3 days went by and she proceeded to tell me, rather proudly too, that Jesus went in the belly of a whale!! Hilarious!)
Anyway, we talked about Jesus being born in a manger (Or as Lily says on a farm!! She's 4 so we go with it!) And we even went further back to when the Angel appeared to Mary to tell her about Jesus. Which lead to the discussion of sometimes doing things that scare us or we feel unable to do. And I realize sometimes I may broach topics that seem too adult for my almost 4 year old, but then I see the understanding and acceptance on her face and think, she is soaking it all in and because she is 4 and not 25 learning these things it will be easier for her to walk out her calling. Easier for her to trust the things of God because its what she knows and what she's been taught.
And once Lily has exhausted all questions, and trust me there is always plenty, we change to another story. Each one different and unique. Each person or character walking through life and teaching us lessons.
But because we live in a land of stories my mind has started to wander. Causing me to ask questions like...What will Lily tell her kids and grandkids about me? And what will her kids tell their grandkids? Plainly speaking, what will my story be? What will be the theme of my life? As I sit here and type I think of the people in my life and I can clearly see a definite theme in their lives. The things they taught and believed in. The things they sacrificed for. But what about me?
I think as a believer we would all like to say in the end we lived for Jesus! And I do hope that is said of me in the days to come, but what about the more intimate details, the things my family and close friends see? What have I expressed passion for? What moves me? What would I sacrifice everything for? Some things that jump to mind are my kids and husband, my family, people with no voice, children who have little to no hope left, the local church...these are all things that move me, that I am passionate about but what am I doing with this? James 2:17 says that , "So you see faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds it is dead." Simply put I can be passionate all day long about these things that tug at my heartstrings but if there is no action, no plan to support, encourage or dig deep into the trenches it is pointless, it is dead.
So as I type I am going to once again challenge myself, because we all need reminders of what we have been called to. No more sitting on the sidelines watching as the world falls deeper into hopelessness and despair. No more waiting while God looks to His people to help, aid, love and support the fallen. I don't want Him disappointed in me. It is a time for steps of faith. Because in the end I want people to see a woman of faith but just as importantly a woman of action.
Anyway, we talked about Jesus being born in a manger (Or as Lily says on a farm!! She's 4 so we go with it!) And we even went further back to when the Angel appeared to Mary to tell her about Jesus. Which lead to the discussion of sometimes doing things that scare us or we feel unable to do. And I realize sometimes I may broach topics that seem too adult for my almost 4 year old, but then I see the understanding and acceptance on her face and think, she is soaking it all in and because she is 4 and not 25 learning these things it will be easier for her to walk out her calling. Easier for her to trust the things of God because its what she knows and what she's been taught.
And once Lily has exhausted all questions, and trust me there is always plenty, we change to another story. Each one different and unique. Each person or character walking through life and teaching us lessons.
But because we live in a land of stories my mind has started to wander. Causing me to ask questions like...What will Lily tell her kids and grandkids about me? And what will her kids tell their grandkids? Plainly speaking, what will my story be? What will be the theme of my life? As I sit here and type I think of the people in my life and I can clearly see a definite theme in their lives. The things they taught and believed in. The things they sacrificed for. But what about me?
I think as a believer we would all like to say in the end we lived for Jesus! And I do hope that is said of me in the days to come, but what about the more intimate details, the things my family and close friends see? What have I expressed passion for? What moves me? What would I sacrifice everything for? Some things that jump to mind are my kids and husband, my family, people with no voice, children who have little to no hope left, the local church...these are all things that move me, that I am passionate about but what am I doing with this? James 2:17 says that , "So you see faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds it is dead." Simply put I can be passionate all day long about these things that tug at my heartstrings but if there is no action, no plan to support, encourage or dig deep into the trenches it is pointless, it is dead.
So as I type I am going to once again challenge myself, because we all need reminders of what we have been called to. No more sitting on the sidelines watching as the world falls deeper into hopelessness and despair. No more waiting while God looks to His people to help, aid, love and support the fallen. I don't want Him disappointed in me. It is a time for steps of faith. Because in the end I want people to see a woman of faith but just as importantly a woman of action.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Fear=A Mediocre Life
This is an excerpt from this book. I have previously posted about Katie's blog, which I highly encourage everyone to read, but this portion of her book really struck me.
Katie writes:
"I remembered a story I once read:
'Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: "How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs." So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: "You have so much more than you need, while we don't have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!" But the fearful hoarders said: "No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened." But the others said: "We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can't wait...we need it now!" Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them. So they said to one another: "Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us." They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they told each other: "Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls. Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away. We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us." But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.'"
Can you see yourself? I feel as though it was directed right at me. How often I take care of me and mine, forgetting that I have been commanded to do so much more. Then she continued on to write these words that knocked me flat:
"Fear. It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God. Second Timothy 1:7 says: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity. While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction:
'You are to find me in the least of these.' Yes.
'You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.' Yes.
'You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.' Yes.
'You are to go and make disciples of all nations.' Yes.
'You are to entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors.' Yes.
'You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it.' No"
So I ask you...where does that leave you? Are you walking in fear hoping to scrape by and at the end say I've done okay? Or are you fearlessly careening through life, living without bounds knowing that God takes care of all your needs and then some? I can't say I always do the latter but it is what I strive for. Join me in serving the least of these, in loving those who the world has turned on and seem unlovable. Join me in living an abundant life in Jesus. I can honestly say in the moments when I hand a cup of water to the thirsty in the name of Jesus and in the moments when I sacrifice to the point of hurting I feel more like my Savior than ever before. And thats where I want to be, thats where I want to dwell. I want to rest and serve and live in the work and will of the Most High.
Katie writes:
"I remembered a story I once read:
'Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: "How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times? We want to survive whatever happens. Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs." So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: "You have so much more than you need, while we don't have enough to survive. Give us part of your wealth!" But the fearful hoarders said: "No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened." But the others said: "We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive. We can't wait...we need it now!" Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them. So they said to one another: "Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us." They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not! As their fear increased they told each other: "Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls. Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away. We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us." But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear. They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy. And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.'"
Can you see yourself? I feel as though it was directed right at me. How often I take care of me and mine, forgetting that I have been commanded to do so much more. Then she continued on to write these words that knocked me flat:
"Fear. It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God. Second Timothy 1:7 says: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity. While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction:
'You are to find me in the least of these.' Yes.
'You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.' Yes.
'You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.' Yes.
'You are to go and make disciples of all nations.' Yes.
'You are to entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors.' Yes.
'You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it.' No"
So I ask you...where does that leave you? Are you walking in fear hoping to scrape by and at the end say I've done okay? Or are you fearlessly careening through life, living without bounds knowing that God takes care of all your needs and then some? I can't say I always do the latter but it is what I strive for. Join me in serving the least of these, in loving those who the world has turned on and seem unlovable. Join me in living an abundant life in Jesus. I can honestly say in the moments when I hand a cup of water to the thirsty in the name of Jesus and in the moments when I sacrifice to the point of hurting I feel more like my Savior than ever before. And thats where I want to be, thats where I want to dwell. I want to rest and serve and live in the work and will of the Most High.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
"I am the Lord's servant."
Today for our sophomore girls small group we are learning about Mary the Mother of Jesus. Actually for the next 5 or 6 weeks she is the topic for our lessons and discussions. And I will be honest I wasn't too excited about this. Don't get me wrong, Mary is a great biblical figure and clearly played a pivotal role in the story of Jesus, but...I kept thinking, I know everything about Mary. What more could her story tell me?
Enter the Holy Spirit! HAHA! He is funny that way. Read the same passage of scripture for the 4th or 40th time and it comes alive in a new and fresh way. Mary's story was no different. And as I started preparing the lesson and the questions I would ask, searching for video clips or music, really anything that could help in relaying the message to these girls, the passage in Luke 1 came alive to me again in a new and different way.
I know I shared before how I am doubting all of my abilities in regards to the adoption, but here recently my doubts have become fears. Fears that I really won't be able to handle this. Fears that this process will break my heart in two. Because adoption although awesome is still at its root about a family being torn apart. In order for me to bring my baby boy home he has to first lose his intended mom and dad. Adoption and loss go hand in hand and that brings big tears to my eyes. Some nights I lie awake crying for the loss I know is coming. I cry for his mama and how after carrying this baby in her belly for 9 months she must now part with him, whatever the circumstances. I cry because I know I will never be her. No matter his age or the circumstances of their parting, he will always long for her. That is normal and natural and I would want it no other way, but it still breaks my heart that I am unable to fill the void God meant for her to fill. So I'm left with fear. And some times this fear is almost paralyzing.
And today as I read about Mary and and the angel Gabriel visiting her I was struck by the words of a teenage girl. After what had to of been one of the most traumatic (and probably fear filled) moments in her life, up to this point, she says words I cannot fathom coming out of my mouth. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."(Luke 1:38) Pushing aside FEAR, pushing aside her own dreams and plans, pushing aside what she knew would surely make her an outcast and different from any other girl her age. Knowing that it would be difficult and full of questions. Knowing that heartache awaited her, she steps forward in faith.
I too want to walk forward in faith, assuring myself I am the Lord's servant, but I am walking through a period of grief. Grieving for all that is being and will be lost. Grieving for all that will be broken. Grieving for all of the why's I am certain will come. Grieving because I won't have the answers to the questions I will want to protect him from.
So this week as you think of our family, here and far away, pray that the suffering of everyone involved will be covered by the grace of a perfect and holy God. Pray that his mama will have peace knowing that although I can never be her I will strive to be a close second. Please just pray.
love,
nikki
For more of where my heart is read this blog post, titled Don't Adopt.
Enter the Holy Spirit! HAHA! He is funny that way. Read the same passage of scripture for the 4th or 40th time and it comes alive in a new and fresh way. Mary's story was no different. And as I started preparing the lesson and the questions I would ask, searching for video clips or music, really anything that could help in relaying the message to these girls, the passage in Luke 1 came alive to me again in a new and different way.
I know I shared before how I am doubting all of my abilities in regards to the adoption, but here recently my doubts have become fears. Fears that I really won't be able to handle this. Fears that this process will break my heart in two. Because adoption although awesome is still at its root about a family being torn apart. In order for me to bring my baby boy home he has to first lose his intended mom and dad. Adoption and loss go hand in hand and that brings big tears to my eyes. Some nights I lie awake crying for the loss I know is coming. I cry for his mama and how after carrying this baby in her belly for 9 months she must now part with him, whatever the circumstances. I cry because I know I will never be her. No matter his age or the circumstances of their parting, he will always long for her. That is normal and natural and I would want it no other way, but it still breaks my heart that I am unable to fill the void God meant for her to fill. So I'm left with fear. And some times this fear is almost paralyzing.
And today as I read about Mary and and the angel Gabriel visiting her I was struck by the words of a teenage girl. After what had to of been one of the most traumatic (and probably fear filled) moments in her life, up to this point, she says words I cannot fathom coming out of my mouth. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."(Luke 1:38) Pushing aside FEAR, pushing aside her own dreams and plans, pushing aside what she knew would surely make her an outcast and different from any other girl her age. Knowing that it would be difficult and full of questions. Knowing that heartache awaited her, she steps forward in faith.
I too want to walk forward in faith, assuring myself I am the Lord's servant, but I am walking through a period of grief. Grieving for all that is being and will be lost. Grieving for all that will be broken. Grieving for all of the why's I am certain will come. Grieving because I won't have the answers to the questions I will want to protect him from.
So this week as you think of our family, here and far away, pray that the suffering of everyone involved will be covered by the grace of a perfect and holy God. Pray that his mama will have peace knowing that although I can never be her I will strive to be a close second. Please just pray.
love,
nikki
For more of where my heart is read this blog post, titled Don't Adopt.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Questions and doubts
Well this friday is the official DTE for our family. DTE means Dossier to Ethiopia. It is a big day for us. One that is 11 months coming and the day we will officially go on the list of parents adopting from Ethiopia. My emotions are so mixed up right now. I'm beyond excited because after 11 months of the paper chase it feels very REAL. I'm nervous because I am hoping that things go smoothly from here on out and we don't hit anymore speed bumps. But mostly I have the feeling of inadequacy.
I think as a parent we struggle daily to teach and correct and shape our children into the kind of people that are liked and successful. This is of course my goal each day, but as a believer I think our struggle is so much more. Of course I want my children to be successful and find favor with man, but more importantly I want my kids to find favor with God and ultimately become world changers for His Kingdom. Sounds easy right???
Nope.
Not even a little.
And as a mother of 2 little girls I know that daily I fail them. Shocker of shockers...I am not perfect. Some days I lose my temper, some days I don't put the best food on the table and some days I KNOW I don't show them Jesus. But this adoption, which has stretched me and caused my faith to be humbled, is a new feeling. I've questioned more things in the past two weeks than I have since we started this process. Now that this is "real" I find myself full of doubts. Not about Scott, or my girls making a transition into having a brother, or even the hurdles I know we will jump by being a multi-cultural family. No I find myself doubting....me.
I find myself asking questions like, can I do this? what makes me think I can parent a child of a different ethnicity? i struggle daily with 2 kids, how can i handle 3 kids? will i even know how to parent a boy? am i really offering a better option for him? And while some people may read that and think those questions are crazy, trust me! I know some of them are. But there they sit in my thoughts and prayers.
Part of me knows the enemy is pouncing on what he knows to be a step of faith and the will of God. And the other part knows that God is allowing me to walk through this season of tests and questions so that I can turn to Him for the answers. A better statement would be, not only find the answers from Him but know that He is the answer.
Truthfully I can do this and I will struggle with 3 kids more than 2. I know I am offering a better option than growing up in an orphanage until the age of 13 where he will be turned out to start working with no education. But even those logical, factual answers are not what I want. I don't want to struggle and just get by with 3 kids, I don't want to rely on my own strength to parent a child of a different culture and ethnicity. I want to soar as a parent. I want to equip my kids to not only succeed but to find favor with God and be a world changer for His kingdom! And to do these things I can only rely on a perfect and holy God. So yet again I find myself humbled, a little lost and calling out to Jesus to walk me through this next season. Realizing that although I have questions and doubts, He doesn't. Although I find myself feeling inadequate, and I so am, He isn't! Which means the burden is lifted from me and placed on His ever capable shoulders. I am reminded that as a parent the only relief we can find is through Jesus.
Once again, I thank you for reading the mutterings of my heart. For staying updated on this process and thanks! thanks! thanks! for praying for our family. We love you!
I think as a parent we struggle daily to teach and correct and shape our children into the kind of people that are liked and successful. This is of course my goal each day, but as a believer I think our struggle is so much more. Of course I want my children to be successful and find favor with man, but more importantly I want my kids to find favor with God and ultimately become world changers for His Kingdom. Sounds easy right???
Nope.
Not even a little.
And as a mother of 2 little girls I know that daily I fail them. Shocker of shockers...I am not perfect. Some days I lose my temper, some days I don't put the best food on the table and some days I KNOW I don't show them Jesus. But this adoption, which has stretched me and caused my faith to be humbled, is a new feeling. I've questioned more things in the past two weeks than I have since we started this process. Now that this is "real" I find myself full of doubts. Not about Scott, or my girls making a transition into having a brother, or even the hurdles I know we will jump by being a multi-cultural family. No I find myself doubting....me.
I find myself asking questions like, can I do this? what makes me think I can parent a child of a different ethnicity? i struggle daily with 2 kids, how can i handle 3 kids? will i even know how to parent a boy? am i really offering a better option for him? And while some people may read that and think those questions are crazy, trust me! I know some of them are. But there they sit in my thoughts and prayers.
Part of me knows the enemy is pouncing on what he knows to be a step of faith and the will of God. And the other part knows that God is allowing me to walk through this season of tests and questions so that I can turn to Him for the answers. A better statement would be, not only find the answers from Him but know that He is the answer.
Truthfully I can do this and I will struggle with 3 kids more than 2. I know I am offering a better option than growing up in an orphanage until the age of 13 where he will be turned out to start working with no education. But even those logical, factual answers are not what I want. I don't want to struggle and just get by with 3 kids, I don't want to rely on my own strength to parent a child of a different culture and ethnicity. I want to soar as a parent. I want to equip my kids to not only succeed but to find favor with God and be a world changer for His kingdom! And to do these things I can only rely on a perfect and holy God. So yet again I find myself humbled, a little lost and calling out to Jesus to walk me through this next season. Realizing that although I have questions and doubts, He doesn't. Although I find myself feeling inadequate, and I so am, He isn't! Which means the burden is lifted from me and placed on His ever capable shoulders. I am reminded that as a parent the only relief we can find is through Jesus.
Once again, I thank you for reading the mutterings of my heart. For staying updated on this process and thanks! thanks! thanks! for praying for our family. We love you!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dossier FINALLY!
YEAH! WOOHOO! YIPEE!! After 11 months of walking through adoption, we finally submitted our dossier. For those who have walked this road and for those who may have walked closely with someone who has adopted, this step is a big one! Essentially your dossier is a summary of your life. Everything from tax information, birth certificates, physical exams, letters of reference from friends and numerous other things. This packet of information goes through our government in the US and then once approved gets sent to Ethiopia to get sifted through and approved by their government. As soon as this is all done, you start standing in line! I say standing in line because my very visual brain sees it this way. We will be given a number and each week or every other week or once a month we will get a new number and move up in the line. Once you reach the top 5, "the call" could come at any time. "The call" is just that, a phone call from our agency with a referral. By this point they will have found a little boy who matches our age range and we will learn as much as is known about him. We then have 48 hours to accept or reject this referral.
I just want to say again Thank you! Thank you for continuing to support us in this. Thank you for praying along side of us. Thank you for being the shoulder we lean on when things are frustrating or seem bleak. You truly are helping us bring our son home. We love you and I will try to update more!! (AHH! I've been so bad, but truly nothing exciting has been happening until now.)
Much LOVE!
I just want to say again Thank you! Thank you for continuing to support us in this. Thank you for praying along side of us. Thank you for being the shoulder we lean on when things are frustrating or seem bleak. You truly are helping us bring our son home. We love you and I will try to update more!! (AHH! I've been so bad, but truly nothing exciting has been happening until now.)
Much LOVE!
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