Hi! My name is Nikki and I've got a problem. I'm selfish! Rooted deep down in me I am an extraordinarily selfish being. I say this because not only am I selfish but I suffer great guilt in regards to this awful feeling of needing and wanting! Alright let me get back on track! My husband is a youth pastor and I find that the longer God allows us to stay in the ministry the harder it becomes for me and the more selfish I become in regards to it!
It isn't hard because of the teens, the teens are great. It isn't hard because of the parents, we have exceptional parents. It's isn't difficult because of our church or the body of believers God has placed us with, because they are incredible and support the ministry with everything they have. I find this ministry difficult because 9 times out of 10 I am at home with my two beautiful babies and not with the teens God has so given me a love for. For those of you that don't quite understand this statement well, have God give you a passion and a love for something and then not be able to fully devote all you have into it. It can wrench your heart out most days and leave you feeling less than worth the calling God has given you. I say all of this knowing that God has a plan and purpose.
First and foremost I would never trade the time I have wih my girls. They are such a joy to me and thru them God teaches me daily how His love far exceeds even my own for my children. And I realize that I will never get this time back, so I try and enjoy every minute, every first smile, step and coo! Secondly I realize that this is for a season and will not last forever, there are plenty of years left for Scott and I to walk together in ministry. And lastly I know God is teaching me some incredible lessons. That regardless of Scott's absence on occasion to be with the youth, my Savior must be my everything. He must be enough for me! I know He is but the tangible husband is sometimes easier for my human brain to rely on. So of course God has given me plenty of opportunities to remind me that He is always present and within reach. Also I believe God is teaching me how to sacrifice. Sacrifice time with my husband, sacrifice time away from the teens I so love and have a passion for. And lastly sacrifice the selfish nature within me for something so much bigger. Something eternal!
I realize i am a rare breed. A person called to minister but not on the front lines. I stand towards the back in support of the ones who are on the front lines. I stand in support of my husband who has been called by God to do a great work for His kingdom! In the eyes of the world I suppose I look much like a stay at home mom who works part time and takes care of her family but I know in the eyes of things eternal, in the eyes of a loving God I am a warrior. Called to fight for my family, my home, my marriage, my kids and the teens God has given to us. Fight in the only capacity and way I know how. On my knees in prayer. Petitioning on behalf of those I know and love.
I write all of this not for anyones benefit but my own. In the moments when my selfish nature comes out and prevails me to throw a pity party for myself my loving God reminds me of all these things and more. Thanks for allowing me to vent and remind myself all He is in me and all He allows me to do!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Commitment
Yesterday I traveled to California to see my grandma (or Baba, which is grandma in Serbian) and try and visit with her one last time. She has been ill for many years but the last two have been especially rough and she has struggled for longer than I care to think about. After the last hospital stay they sent her home to spend time with my Jedi (grandpa in Serbian) and the rest of the family before God calls her home. My Mom, Uncle, Aunt and two brothers and I spent the day with my grandparents today and yet again I was reminded of what true commitment looks like.
For as long as I can remember my grandparents have been truly in love. They are the epitome of Mark 10:8 which states, "and the two shall become one." I can remember growing up and hearing my grandmother tell me so many stories of the little things my grandpa would do on a daily and weekly basis. Things like leaving her a note on his pillow so when she woke up she was reminded that he had thought of her or that he had thanked God for her that day. He always had her walk on the inside of him so that if a car or bus came by while walking he was protecting her. He would be at work and call her just to check in or because he missed her. Nothing grand or expensive but always there and always reminding her that she was his number one in life.
As they have gotten older and their health has declined they have had to switch one taking care of the other and of course in recent years since my grandmothers health has suffered so much, he has been her sole caregiver. He does the laundry, he cooks (pretty well too for an 80 year old man!!)and does everything and anything that she needs. Many times I have seen him with tears in his eyes because the love and respect he has for her is something that overwhelms him. And as I watch them I wonder...what must be going through their minds as 56 almost 57 years together is coming to an end? Are they reminiscing in their minds of all the incredible moments they must have shared or are they savoring the last moments that God grants them together? I hope both!
Having seen their marriage for 30 years I am so thankful for the legacy they are leaving. In a world where marriage is treated as a trivial and easy in, easy out adventure they have shown me that it does work. That two people committed to each other and the covenant they made before and with God is possible.
Another day tomorrow with her as my last and then I have to say goodbye to one of my best friends. Although I am so sad to have her leave this world I am so thankful to know where she is going and jealous to know she will meet our Savior and Creator first. So this my first blog post is dedicated and a tribute to an incredible couple. One I hope Scott and I can one day compete with! I love you Baba and Jedi!!!
For as long as I can remember my grandparents have been truly in love. They are the epitome of Mark 10:8 which states, "and the two shall become one." I can remember growing up and hearing my grandmother tell me so many stories of the little things my grandpa would do on a daily and weekly basis. Things like leaving her a note on his pillow so when she woke up she was reminded that he had thought of her or that he had thanked God for her that day. He always had her walk on the inside of him so that if a car or bus came by while walking he was protecting her. He would be at work and call her just to check in or because he missed her. Nothing grand or expensive but always there and always reminding her that she was his number one in life.
As they have gotten older and their health has declined they have had to switch one taking care of the other and of course in recent years since my grandmothers health has suffered so much, he has been her sole caregiver. He does the laundry, he cooks (pretty well too for an 80 year old man!!)and does everything and anything that she needs. Many times I have seen him with tears in his eyes because the love and respect he has for her is something that overwhelms him. And as I watch them I wonder...what must be going through their minds as 56 almost 57 years together is coming to an end? Are they reminiscing in their minds of all the incredible moments they must have shared or are they savoring the last moments that God grants them together? I hope both!
Having seen their marriage for 30 years I am so thankful for the legacy they are leaving. In a world where marriage is treated as a trivial and easy in, easy out adventure they have shown me that it does work. That two people committed to each other and the covenant they made before and with God is possible.
Another day tomorrow with her as my last and then I have to say goodbye to one of my best friends. Although I am so sad to have her leave this world I am so thankful to know where she is going and jealous to know she will meet our Savior and Creator first. So this my first blog post is dedicated and a tribute to an incredible couple. One I hope Scott and I can one day compete with! I love you Baba and Jedi!!!
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