Hi! My name is Nikki and I've got a problem. I'm selfish! Rooted deep down in me I am an extraordinarily selfish being. I say this because not only am I selfish but I suffer great guilt in regards to this awful feeling of needing and wanting! Alright let me get back on track! My husband is a youth pastor and I find that the longer God allows us to stay in the ministry the harder it becomes for me and the more selfish I become in regards to it!
It isn't hard because of the teens, the teens are great. It isn't hard because of the parents, we have exceptional parents. It's isn't difficult because of our church or the body of believers God has placed us with, because they are incredible and support the ministry with everything they have. I find this ministry difficult because 9 times out of 10 I am at home with my two beautiful babies and not with the teens God has so given me a love for. For those of you that don't quite understand this statement well, have God give you a passion and a love for something and then not be able to fully devote all you have into it. It can wrench your heart out most days and leave you feeling less than worth the calling God has given you. I say all of this knowing that God has a plan and purpose.
First and foremost I would never trade the time I have wih my girls. They are such a joy to me and thru them God teaches me daily how His love far exceeds even my own for my children. And I realize that I will never get this time back, so I try and enjoy every minute, every first smile, step and coo! Secondly I realize that this is for a season and will not last forever, there are plenty of years left for Scott and I to walk together in ministry. And lastly I know God is teaching me some incredible lessons. That regardless of Scott's absence on occasion to be with the youth, my Savior must be my everything. He must be enough for me! I know He is but the tangible husband is sometimes easier for my human brain to rely on. So of course God has given me plenty of opportunities to remind me that He is always present and within reach. Also I believe God is teaching me how to sacrifice. Sacrifice time with my husband, sacrifice time away from the teens I so love and have a passion for. And lastly sacrifice the selfish nature within me for something so much bigger. Something eternal!
I realize i am a rare breed. A person called to minister but not on the front lines. I stand towards the back in support of the ones who are on the front lines. I stand in support of my husband who has been called by God to do a great work for His kingdom! In the eyes of the world I suppose I look much like a stay at home mom who works part time and takes care of her family but I know in the eyes of things eternal, in the eyes of a loving God I am a warrior. Called to fight for my family, my home, my marriage, my kids and the teens God has given to us. Fight in the only capacity and way I know how. On my knees in prayer. Petitioning on behalf of those I know and love.
I write all of this not for anyones benefit but my own. In the moments when my selfish nature comes out and prevails me to throw a pity party for myself my loving God reminds me of all these things and more. Thanks for allowing me to vent and remind myself all He is in me and all He allows me to do!
