Broken

For those who don't know my husband is a high school youth pastor. Which means we have the joy of reliving our youth and staying young by hanging with 14-18 year olds on a regular basis. It also means we have the privilege of walking with some extremely gifted and talented students who are set apart to do phenomenal things in the name of Jesus. And during our regular wednesday night services I was again thrilled to see what God is doing and teaching the next generation of world changers. Humbled to watch as God breaks their hearts for their friends and peers who don't know Jesus.

I tweeted tonight that if the heart of God dwells within the man of God than he will be broken. I say this because as my husband spoke with the teens tonight he was just that...broken! He stood before them broken over the youth of Odessa. And in turn asked them what they were broken over? What or who had their hearts broken for? Which got me to thinking....which usually translates into music and I thought of that song Hosanna...ever heard it? In the bridge it says 'break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause, as I walk from earth into eternity.'

And as I walk from this life into my eternal life worshipping a Holy God what is breaking my heart? Which piece of Jesus' heart has been given to me? What do I see that breaks the heart of God and in turn breaks mine? Is it the child who only knows love by the smack of a hand across his face? Is it the 14 year old girl who has been sold in marriage to start producing children while she still remains a child herself? Is it the one lost sheep out of 100 who wanders off after hearing truth all his life? What is it? Is it the child who lives in squalor while her parents are dying from treatable diseases? Is it the teen who has made a bad decision and been cast out by her parents? Is it the out of work dad trying to maintain his home against all odds? What is it?

I don't know about you but I want to be broken. Broken over the things that break the heart of Jesus. I don't want to look at another person who by societies standards is unlovable and walk away. I don't want to buckle to peer pressure and fall back on self gratification one more time. I want to be broken, broken enough to not just post a blog for you to read but broken enough to take action. Whether that means pouring into the life of a child or walking with a mom who has been broken by her abusive ex-husband...I don't know. I just know that being complacent, apathetic and ok with the status quo doesn't fly when I look around me. As my heart transforms more into the heart of God I see things differently and it causes my heart to break more. I invite you to pray the prayer in the song Hosanna with me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours God!
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause!
As I walk from earth into eternity!

All for Jesus and His honor and His glory because He is worthy!

A Paper Pregnancy!

I've heard adoption called that before, but some moments make it more a reality than others. Just as I was pregnant with my girls I feel 'pregnant' most days..just no outward appearance of a belly. You run the gamut of emotional highs and lows. Moments of pure excitement and elation and moments of doubt and insecurity. For those who have been pregnant and had a paper pregnancy I know they can relate. Every time we turn in a new piece of paper that gets us one step closer its like another day down towards D day! Another thing off of our never ending check list that gets us closer to finally seeing his face, hearing his laughter and holding him for the first time. I find myself day dreaming more often about what it will be like once we get him home, whenever that may be. I am a total realist and know it will be rough. Although God has placed him in my heart for months now, we are virtual strangers. I know the transition will be filled with ups and downs but I am anticipating all that God will teach us as a family through that experience. I am anticipating watching Lily and Anna teach him all there is to know about being a Windham. About how Daddy is the best to cuddle with late at night because he is so cozy and how Mommy loves to have dance parties in the kitchen with the music blaring!

And here recently I've found myself praying more and more for not only him and his circumstances and caregivers but the continent of Africa and the country of Ethiopia. I find the more I fall in love with him the more I fall in love with the people. People I have never met. People I have had basically no contact with in my life. But it has been an amazing process as God's heart towards the African people has been literally given to me. I know the basics of this love is because my son is African. How could I not love his history, his culture, his people and love him? He is tied to them and because God ordained me as his mother I too am tied.  I will be forever grateful to them for all they have given to him. For all they have given to me.

And so we find ourselves waiting more. We recently turned in our I-600 to the department of homeland security to be fingerprinted and then given the most important document, the one allowing us to bring our son back into the US. Then our dossier will be complete and submitted. Then the long list as we wait for our referral! Friends of ours who we attend church with are a few steps ahead of us and have received the final email saying they are finally in the long list waiting for their referral! We could not be more excited for them as we watch them walk this final step towards meeting their new son. We are so blessed to have others in our community walking the same road and hopefully our children will be raised together. Join me in praying for the Ward family! The waiting is the most difficult and I know we can stand in the gap for them as we pray the time would fly by. Pray for their 3 daughters as they prepare for a new little brother. And of course for their son and his caregivers.

We will of course keep you updated if anything happens and thank you in advance for your support during this time. We love you all!!

Big Dreams!

Well, I went to see Soul Surfer tonight with a bunch of friends and it was great. If you are not familiar with this movie it is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, professional surfer. At 14 she suffered a shark attack in Hawaii and lost her left arm. While yes that is a horrific thing to happen the story after is really the incredible part. Having surfed all her life she gets back on her board and back in the water. And before I give away all of the really good tear jerker parts I'll just say....Go see this movie! It is faith based, clean and has some phenomenal principles based in Biblical truth.

But of course while watching this movie I was so inspired. It is at it's core a very inspiring story, the concept of once you hit bottom and feel as if your world has been turned upside down, get back up and try again! But my inspiration was from other things. Like seeing a mother and father struggle as they watched their daughter walk through something life altering. I think when you become a parent your eyes change. The way you see others and see the world changes. But more importantly your eyes change when you look to the future, you start dreaming. I know when Lily was born I dreamed great things for her. And of course when Anna was born I again dreamed big for her and the things she would accomplish. When God placed our little boy in my heart I began praying and dreaming big things for him, but as each of them get older I have learned to dream bigger - the size of a mountain. Nothing is too great for them to accomplish with the Creator of the universe inside of them. Nothing is impossible with God walking ahead of them. Scripture screams this to us when it says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Recently a friend of mine who is having a baby, was preparing the nursery for her first son and she put above the crib, "Let him sleep for when he wakes he shall move mountains!" Talk about believing, dreaming and declaring big things for your kids. Our children are the hope we have that they will rock the world for Jesus in a way we never thought of. Our children are the hope that their accomplishments for the kingdom of God will astound every generation that has walked before them. I want to dream big for my kids. Let's stop thinking small and start thinking gigantic. Like Furtick says in his book, start praying like Joshua did when he asked God to make the sun stand still. (Joshua 10:12) Think miraculous and then think GOD!

But before I leave you I also want to say this one quick thing. Don't think that we must wait for our kids to do the impossible. God is calling us to dream big for ourselves and run an incredible race for His namesake. Instead of thinking dream big for my kids and thats the end I'm thinking see if you can keep up with me kids! Start running, run hard for Him and lets finish well dreaming of what it will be like to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

A story!

Can I tell you a story of provision, sovereignty and blessing?

For those who have kept up with either Scott or I, or read our blog then you can testify with us of God continually showing up thru this adoption. He has grown and stretched our faith in ways we could not have seen at the beginning of this journey and He has provided for us in ways we never could have dreamed of! And yesterday is just another beautiful piece to our journey, another way God has reached His hand down and reminded us that He is ever present in our lives and our sons life!

For those who are unfamiliar with the adoption process it consists of many steps, each step requires something new and is usually accompanied by another small or sometimes large chunk of money for lawyers and government fees and well just about everything you can think of! And both times we have had chunks due, God has placed money literally in our laps from places that we didn't even know existed. Yesterday was no exception!!

It wasn't unlike most Thursday's for us, the girls were at mothers day out and Scott and I were both working. My phone rang as I was leaving lunch and Scott said we got our taxes back and told me our refund amount! I literally whooped out loud! For quite some time we knew we would take our refund and use it towards our next adoption payment but thought we would come up short and have to raise money or save some more towards it. So when Scott told me the amount of our refund and it was literally $35 short I whooped out loud. Let me tell you, this is the third time God has dropped money in our laps and money that is almost to the penny of the amount we need! Can you say it with me...GOD is good, GOD is always on time and GOD is so faithful to provide!!

I just wanted to share this with you so that you can be reminded that God provides for His children and that even when we forget where our help comes from, it is always the Lord. We are so blessed and cannot wait to see how God continues to reveal His hand throughout the remainder of this process. Please continue to pray with us as we are about to submit our dossier very soon! We will of course keep you updated!! Love Y'all!

Weird!

Well, here recently I can't say I've been at my best. To be completely honest a week ago today I had a bit of a breakdown. Like crying, shaking, overwhelmed had to call my husband breakdown. Ever had one of those? If not, I'm happy for you. But if you have, you know what they feel like. Defeating and a sense of being lost and all of it controlled by stress. Stress over my house (cleaning, laundry, etc.), stress over my job, over being a mom, a wife, a pastors wife...and the list goes on. The best way I could describe to Scott my anxiety was, I feel like I have 7 different hats I am meant to wear and while I have my hats on at all times of the day switching back and forth I feel like I am not doing even one thing well. Just maintaining at a mediocre level of all things...essentially keeping my head above water. And I find that most days I walk around dazed just trying to keep up and maintain this crazy lifestyle I have created.

Well, my husband calmed me and we concluded that while I was stressed and overwhelmed everything is fixable! Everything can be resolved and it is simply a matter of re-prioritizing and establishing good habits. And this is partly true. (I'll explain in a minute.) Two days later Scott went out of town again to recruit interns for the summer for Crossroads Youth Ministry and while he was gone a friend told me to pick up Craig Groeschel's book Weird. This was after telling her about my blowup and she said just read the first chapter....she was right on. The first chapter of this book speaks to everyone but stressed out, exhausted moms who are doing too much - it is most definitely for us!

Let me quote something to you from the book and see if it rings true for you. "...we usually equate busyness with importance. This isn't just about worldly accomplishments; it's about spiritual worth as well. One of the foundational lies we've absorbed about the value of busyness is that it indicates our spiritual worth. If we work hard enough and get our lives together and do as many good and valuable things as possible, then God will be pleased." For me this was a wow moment because not only do I try to do it all but I try to make sure it looks like I have it all together. Let's be honest...I don't! Far from it and somewhere along my journey I thought it was more important to please people instead of God. So I've piled on thing after thing in the hopes to please those around me and lie of all lies please God.

How sad is it that I have sought man's approval before God's? How sad that in the busyness of life I have allowed the Devil victory? Ever heard the saying, " If the Devil can't makes us really bad, then he'll make us really busy?" I hadn't but boy does it ring true now.  I've allowed the busyness of life to control me and my decisions and actions and it has left me lost, confused, stressed and having anxiety attacks.

So I am regrouping and yes re-prioritizing but not because I want man's approval. Because I want God's will for my life. Because I want to do a few God ordained things well and not a lot of important worldly things poorly. So I have changed my conjunction as Groeschel writes. I am no longer an and girl. "I will do this and this and this and this and this!" I'm dropping or's into my boat ride and it will now be I can do this or this or this or this! Simplicity is the key. Simplicity in my house (not every room has to sparkle everyday), simplicity in my job (the only pressure I have is placed by myself!), simplicity as a mom (playing and investing in my kids is more important than carting them to 5 activities per week), and simplicity in being a wife/pastor's wife (my ministry to Scott = loving and serving him in the small things!). So i invite you to join me and become an or person. Stop trying to stay busy so that we look and feel important in the eyes of the world. But slow down and invest in people and souls in the simple things. Just like Jesus. In His lifetime He would never be considered normal. And while the world maintains I should be busy to be important and normal, what is normal is not what I want. What everyone else is doing is not my goal in life. Matthew 7:13,14 says, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate that leads to destruction, and many (normal) enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few (weird) find it."

Become weird with me and slow down and follow Jesus.