Well, we just got back from vacation and it was fabulous and tons of fun, but that is why I haven't blogged in a while! But I'm getting back into the swing of things, laundry, work, making food instead of ordering! All the oldies but goodies! And yet I find myself in a bit of an upset. Nothing seems to click like I want it to and my spirit feels out of place. And so I know God is aching to refine, purge and mold me some more. Which if I can be honest is bittersweet! I know that's awful to admit but in my experience the process is rather painful but worth it in the end. And unfortunately or maybe fortunately I know what He is wanting to do. Bring me back to His love. Sounds easy right? I wish it were so.
This next part has to include a confession. I am constantly searching for love. Love, affection, adoration...I don't care what you call it I'm always wanting more. Nothing can quench my desire to be loved. And like most females I know I search for it everywhere! Anything that will fill the void. I look for it in my husband, my kids, the world's view on my worth. And as most of you can guess I come up with a big fat nothing. Left watching a romantic comedy to get my quick fill of that 'feel good' feeling! Sad isn't it? Those things the world offers me as a quick fix are just not cutting it. I need something more, something with more depth and Jesus is so good to know that. He is so good to call me back and not give me Christian cliches. He knows I need to bask in His love, his affection and His adoration. And let me clarify this isn't about me, it's all about Him. The reminder that He is worthy for me to give affection, love and adoration and only through Him will I find all of these things.
But in order to get to that place it means letting go of so many mindsets and old habits. Pushing myself, what the world has told me and what my past has ingrained in me aside! Revealing where truth is hidden and grabbing that and running towards Jesus! This also means the enemy will be on the prowl...ugh! I hate this! I'm not the strong Christian girl who enjoys the attacks of the enemy because its a reminder that she is a threat! I'm the girl who screams out scripture and the powerful name of Jesus in hopes that it will scare them away!
So as I walk this next part of my journey out I would so covet your prayers. I know this is so much more difficult if I am alone and I trust that God will place people around me to encourage and lift me up, because He is just good like that. I promise I'll try to give an upbeat post next...sorry they've all been debbie downers lately! Oh well as Scott says at least it's something I'm passionate about! Much love! Take Care!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Pride
Let me start out by saying that my desire for this blog is not to toot my own horn or for millions to read it. My ultimate desire is to look back years from now and see the hand of God upon my life. To see transformation and miracles and a building of faith. To give my kids something in writing that shows all of my flaws, beauty and passion and for them to realize that that's ok! But in order for this to all happen it means there must be a level of transparency that is uncomfortable. If I am not real with myself on here than it will all be surface and shallow and Gods hand will never be seen.
With that being said this particular blog is difficult to write because I fear I may come across much different than I intend. I pray you read it and see the truth and honesty intended.
Now to the good stuff!
Well, my fabulous friend Brittany Bethel posted on her blog about pride, which was my motivation to write these thoughts down. If you want to read it in its entirety click here. But in it she writes about what prides intentions are in our life. Here is an exert from it.
"My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because you demand your own way. I cheat you of contentment…because you “deserve better than this”. I cheat you of knowledge…because you know it all. I cheat you of healing…because you’re too full of me to forgive. I cheat you of holiness…because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong. I cheat you of vision…because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship…because nobody’s going to know the real you. I cheat you of love…because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth. I cheat you of God’s glory…because I convince you to seen your own glory. My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you. Untrue. I’m looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry if you stick with me you’ll never know."
Does anyone else want to heave a sigh of shame with me? Anyone else ever allowed pride to creep in so slowly that you never knew what hit you? Well this last week I have not only done this but lost focus on my calling because of it. Let me explain further. For those who don't know, I sing! I have sung since junior high, although my mom says I made songs up in the bath when I was 2! But my earliest memories of actually singing were in junior high. I currently sing and am a member of our home churches worship team. I serve about once a month and never feel more at home than when I am worshipping. But with anything done in the public eye you run the risk of allowing pride to creep in.
And as I sing more, more family and friends have given me encouragement, support and even compliments. (Let me say before anyone gets the wrong idea...thank you for this! Your words of encouragement that God used me in some way to touch you or speak to you are why I serve. Not because I want recognition but because I want to give it to Him! And this blog is in no way a poor reflection on your comments to me!) Some people have even asked me why I don't try out for talent contests. (Lets be honest the worst one is my husband!) And my answer is always the same, God has never given me the desire to "be famous" or pursue a career in the public this way. But here recently I have had the desire to audition and pursue fame! And with this desire came a complete obsession with the world. A need to make myself known, which I have never had. An overwhelming urge to show the world what I have to offer...aka PRIDE!
Let me clarify something - I've sung for the world, in theater and other venues and led worship and the two are very different. Theater requires a great deal of confidence, pride and ultimately the ability to fabricate an illusion , something not real. While worship is and should be authentic. A moment in time that isn't about you but all about Him. And I believe most worshippers would tell you we all walk a fine line. A fine line between confidence in the gifts He has given and a humbleness of spirit from being in the presence of a holy and righteous God.
So where has that left me this week? Rather heavy on the confidence in the gifts with no humbleness at all! And this has caused me to lose focus on the important things. I do believe you can be humble and in the spotlight. There are many people I can think of who are in the public eye and admired for their gifts who still remain humble. But I'm just not there. Thats just honest! It took a week of thinking this way and look where it got me. Perhaps thats why God has never given me the desire to toot my own horn! He knows I can't handle it, at least for now! Perhaps when I'm 80 years old He will open a door for me, confident that I will not run from all He has taught me. But for now I'm thankful that He caught me, brought me back home and reminded me that only through Him do I have purpose.
So I leave you feeling a bit lighter after spending some time with my Jesus. Knowing that even before I wrote this He had cleansed it all! Knowing that His mercies are new each morning! Thanks for listening to me ramble and spill my flaws in front of you! Hoping this finds you walking in humbleness and not in pride!
With that being said this particular blog is difficult to write because I fear I may come across much different than I intend. I pray you read it and see the truth and honesty intended.
Now to the good stuff!
Well, my fabulous friend Brittany Bethel posted on her blog about pride, which was my motivation to write these thoughts down. If you want to read it in its entirety click here. But in it she writes about what prides intentions are in our life. Here is an exert from it.
"My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because you demand your own way. I cheat you of contentment…because you “deserve better than this”. I cheat you of knowledge…because you know it all. I cheat you of healing…because you’re too full of me to forgive. I cheat you of holiness…because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong. I cheat you of vision…because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship…because nobody’s going to know the real you. I cheat you of love…because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth. I cheat you of God’s glory…because I convince you to seen your own glory. My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you. Untrue. I’m looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry if you stick with me you’ll never know."
Does anyone else want to heave a sigh of shame with me? Anyone else ever allowed pride to creep in so slowly that you never knew what hit you? Well this last week I have not only done this but lost focus on my calling because of it. Let me explain further. For those who don't know, I sing! I have sung since junior high, although my mom says I made songs up in the bath when I was 2! But my earliest memories of actually singing were in junior high. I currently sing and am a member of our home churches worship team. I serve about once a month and never feel more at home than when I am worshipping. But with anything done in the public eye you run the risk of allowing pride to creep in.
And as I sing more, more family and friends have given me encouragement, support and even compliments. (Let me say before anyone gets the wrong idea...thank you for this! Your words of encouragement that God used me in some way to touch you or speak to you are why I serve. Not because I want recognition but because I want to give it to Him! And this blog is in no way a poor reflection on your comments to me!) Some people have even asked me why I don't try out for talent contests. (Lets be honest the worst one is my husband!) And my answer is always the same, God has never given me the desire to "be famous" or pursue a career in the public this way. But here recently I have had the desire to audition and pursue fame! And with this desire came a complete obsession with the world. A need to make myself known, which I have never had. An overwhelming urge to show the world what I have to offer...aka PRIDE!
Let me clarify something - I've sung for the world, in theater and other venues and led worship and the two are very different. Theater requires a great deal of confidence, pride and ultimately the ability to fabricate an illusion , something not real. While worship is and should be authentic. A moment in time that isn't about you but all about Him. And I believe most worshippers would tell you we all walk a fine line. A fine line between confidence in the gifts He has given and a humbleness of spirit from being in the presence of a holy and righteous God.
So where has that left me this week? Rather heavy on the confidence in the gifts with no humbleness at all! And this has caused me to lose focus on the important things. I do believe you can be humble and in the spotlight. There are many people I can think of who are in the public eye and admired for their gifts who still remain humble. But I'm just not there. Thats just honest! It took a week of thinking this way and look where it got me. Perhaps thats why God has never given me the desire to toot my own horn! He knows I can't handle it, at least for now! Perhaps when I'm 80 years old He will open a door for me, confident that I will not run from all He has taught me. But for now I'm thankful that He caught me, brought me back home and reminded me that only through Him do I have purpose.
So I leave you feeling a bit lighter after spending some time with my Jesus. Knowing that even before I wrote this He had cleansed it all! Knowing that His mercies are new each morning! Thanks for listening to me ramble and spill my flaws in front of you! Hoping this finds you walking in humbleness and not in pride!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Living Life = Love
Last night was an eventful trip to the ER for us. Both girls have been running low grade fevers with cough and runny nose for days now, but trying to be a calm mother and not overeact, I thought with the weather this is typical and will run it's course. Well, last night I gave the girls some medicine hoping it would help them sleep more comfortably and would you believe Lily's system most definitely revolted. Around midnight I found my normal 3 year old struggling to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and later vomiting a ridiculous amount. So needless to say it frightened Scott and myself and off Lily and I went.
For those who have visited the emergency room late at night by yourself with a small child you can vouch for me in saying it is an adventure to rival no other! I think they must have wheeled in no less than 5 men handcuffed to their hospital bed escorted by police. Each one in a different state of upheaval, some passed out from some unknown effect and others giving the waiting room a colorful array of words!
Immediately upon seeing Lily they sent us to triage and she was checked for all necessary vital stats. (Side note: Lily hates the doctor, anything to do with doctors, so she screamed and kicked and fought to just take her temperature! Tons of fun for mommy!) But after seeing that her vitals were ok and oxygen saturation was in the high 90's they sent us back out to "wait!". I say wait because three and a half hours later we still sat there! Over these three hours the words emergency room become some what of a joke in my mind! As Lily sat there shaking and visibly upset because she didn't know what was happening we waited! But that's another story for another time!
The thing that hit me actually happened in triage at the beginning of our visit. Lily and I were the only ones back there and I think the nurse and registration attendant must have forgotten we were there because they began talking about the morning ER happenings. Apparently a young woman had brought her baby in to the ER frantic and upset and upon sight the RN saw the child was a SIDS baby. Can I just pause here and say I have never been directly related to any family member or friend who has had this. The pain, grief and questions must be beyond comprehension as there is no answer to your babies death and my mind cannot fathom the loss of a child. All I could think after hearing this is somewhere in the city I live in there is a mother so overcome with grief that she probably cannot function. Somewhere in Odessa, TX there is a family whose whole life has been forever changed! And I found myself grieving for them, praying for peace and thanking God that my girls were healthy!
The Bible tells us that we are not promised tomorrow, that our life is here today and gone tomorrow. Which makes me think...what will I do to make it worth something? What will my life say when I am gone? What will my children and husband say about how I chose to live my life? And this is what I have come up with...LOVE! Love big, love loud, love outrageously! I have come to realize that when others criticize my parenting style saying I spoil my kids...guess what? I call it LOVE! I say when my 3 year old laying next to me sound asleep rolls over and says,"I wub you mama!" that's confirmation that even she gets it! LOVE! I know this is what my savior did while he walked the earth. And as He continues to act out of love He pleads my case daily before the Father!
So I encourage you! LOVE! LOVE so much that people cannot mistake your intentions, choices and actions! Live life outrageously with LOVE!
For those who have visited the emergency room late at night by yourself with a small child you can vouch for me in saying it is an adventure to rival no other! I think they must have wheeled in no less than 5 men handcuffed to their hospital bed escorted by police. Each one in a different state of upheaval, some passed out from some unknown effect and others giving the waiting room a colorful array of words!
Immediately upon seeing Lily they sent us to triage and she was checked for all necessary vital stats. (Side note: Lily hates the doctor, anything to do with doctors, so she screamed and kicked and fought to just take her temperature! Tons of fun for mommy!) But after seeing that her vitals were ok and oxygen saturation was in the high 90's they sent us back out to "wait!". I say wait because three and a half hours later we still sat there! Over these three hours the words emergency room become some what of a joke in my mind! As Lily sat there shaking and visibly upset because she didn't know what was happening we waited! But that's another story for another time!
The thing that hit me actually happened in triage at the beginning of our visit. Lily and I were the only ones back there and I think the nurse and registration attendant must have forgotten we were there because they began talking about the morning ER happenings. Apparently a young woman had brought her baby in to the ER frantic and upset and upon sight the RN saw the child was a SIDS baby. Can I just pause here and say I have never been directly related to any family member or friend who has had this. The pain, grief and questions must be beyond comprehension as there is no answer to your babies death and my mind cannot fathom the loss of a child. All I could think after hearing this is somewhere in the city I live in there is a mother so overcome with grief that she probably cannot function. Somewhere in Odessa, TX there is a family whose whole life has been forever changed! And I found myself grieving for them, praying for peace and thanking God that my girls were healthy!
The Bible tells us that we are not promised tomorrow, that our life is here today and gone tomorrow. Which makes me think...what will I do to make it worth something? What will my life say when I am gone? What will my children and husband say about how I chose to live my life? And this is what I have come up with...LOVE! Love big, love loud, love outrageously! I have come to realize that when others criticize my parenting style saying I spoil my kids...guess what? I call it LOVE! I say when my 3 year old laying next to me sound asleep rolls over and says,"I wub you mama!" that's confirmation that even she gets it! LOVE! I know this is what my savior did while he walked the earth. And as He continues to act out of love He pleads my case daily before the Father!
So I encourage you! LOVE! LOVE so much that people cannot mistake your intentions, choices and actions! Live life outrageously with LOVE!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Courage
Well, with the crazy weather (-6 with windchill!), we are stuck inside and while the kids go stir crazy, mommy is starting to lean that way too! Scott's home sick and the dog wants to get outside...but we Texans are just not used to this freezing cold and so we huddle inside waiting for our moderate 65+ winter to return. (For those northerners please refrain from snickering...your blood must be thicker to withstand such awful temperatures!) So, while I wait I sit under a cozy blanket about to put my southwest chicken stew in the crockpot and my sweet husband turns 'The Princess Dairies' on TV! Can I be honest? I love this movie! It's sweet and doesn't require a great deal of thought on my part, all the while leaving me with a nice message at the end. I've seen this movie many times and towards the end the main character reads a letter from her father and he imparts some wisdom to her. I did a little research and found the original author, Ambrose Redmoon, and this is what he says,
"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
I think this statement has always struck me because I tend to walk in fear more often than not. Worry, anxiety and fear are old friends. We've known one another for more years than I care to remember and sometimes these three can rule my life. Add on to that my ridiculous need to please people and...well, you've got yourself one crazy lady! But in past years I've come to acknowledge and realize that I have no control over anything and day by day I give it all to Jesus. That's not to say I excel at this, no, in fact I struggle every day to maintain sanity and peace in the face of a world that is quickly crumbling.
I tell you all of this to say my courage is always lacking. My courage to stand up for what I believe in, my courage to face adversity. My courage to speak truth to those I love knowing it may cause tension. In all of these things I usually falter. So where does that leave me? It leaves me standing In fear again.
So, I head to my trusted, tried and true Bible! I searched courage in the Bible and do you know what I found? Over 13 references in the Old Testament alone saying, "Be strong and courageous!" Wow! The word of God is telling me to stand up, be strong and courageous! Just like my quote above, courage is not standing up fearless but realizing that there is something more important at stake than my comfort. Things like teaching my girls what truth is. Modeling that in my actions and words to others. Realizing that although tension and hurt are possible if truth is spoken in love, change can happen! Not just speaking but living the truths of God as a witness to His miraculous glory and grace! And while these things make me uncomfortable and full of fear I strive daily to, "Be strong and courageous!" Not because there is anything in me that makes this possible but because my strength and courage come fully from Christ.
Joshua 1:9 says, "This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you where ever you go."
This is one of many promises He has given me through His word. While I lean wholly on Him for strength and courage He is always with me. He is there in the moments when I can't seem to get the words out, the moments when I falter to speak words of life and the moments when I think I may fail again. Time and time again He replaces my fear with His courage.
So while I write today in the comfort and warmth of my home I wonder what next step of faith He will ask of me. What new adventure will He call me to? Praying and hoping that while obstacles will present themselves, I do not have to give into fear, knowing that His strength, courage and presence will always overcome.
"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
I think this statement has always struck me because I tend to walk in fear more often than not. Worry, anxiety and fear are old friends. We've known one another for more years than I care to remember and sometimes these three can rule my life. Add on to that my ridiculous need to please people and...well, you've got yourself one crazy lady! But in past years I've come to acknowledge and realize that I have no control over anything and day by day I give it all to Jesus. That's not to say I excel at this, no, in fact I struggle every day to maintain sanity and peace in the face of a world that is quickly crumbling.
I tell you all of this to say my courage is always lacking. My courage to stand up for what I believe in, my courage to face adversity. My courage to speak truth to those I love knowing it may cause tension. In all of these things I usually falter. So where does that leave me? It leaves me standing In fear again.
So, I head to my trusted, tried and true Bible! I searched courage in the Bible and do you know what I found? Over 13 references in the Old Testament alone saying, "Be strong and courageous!" Wow! The word of God is telling me to stand up, be strong and courageous! Just like my quote above, courage is not standing up fearless but realizing that there is something more important at stake than my comfort. Things like teaching my girls what truth is. Modeling that in my actions and words to others. Realizing that although tension and hurt are possible if truth is spoken in love, change can happen! Not just speaking but living the truths of God as a witness to His miraculous glory and grace! And while these things make me uncomfortable and full of fear I strive daily to, "Be strong and courageous!" Not because there is anything in me that makes this possible but because my strength and courage come fully from Christ.
Joshua 1:9 says, "This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you where ever you go."
This is one of many promises He has given me through His word. While I lean wholly on Him for strength and courage He is always with me. He is there in the moments when I can't seem to get the words out, the moments when I falter to speak words of life and the moments when I think I may fail again. Time and time again He replaces my fear with His courage.
So while I write today in the comfort and warmth of my home I wonder what next step of faith He will ask of me. What new adventure will He call me to? Praying and hoping that while obstacles will present themselves, I do not have to give into fear, knowing that His strength, courage and presence will always overcome.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What's it going to take?
Last night while laying in bed I picked up a book Scott recently brought home. It's called The Hole in our Gospel and it's written by the president of World Vision. I actually only got through the prologue of the book, but while reading I was so struck by his story. The story of an ordinary, every day man who went to Uganda and was completely broken. Broken by what his eyes saw, what his heart felt and truly where he found himself lacking. Here he had been a believer for over 20 years and what had he done to show the least of these, love, support and hope? The part that struck me was not only his experience but that the blinders of his safe comfortable life were torn away and he was gloriously ruined!!
I wonder what it will take for us to be gloriously ruined? For our eyes to be opened to not only the poverty crisis but the orphan crisis in the world. For us as believers to not look at another couple who are adopting and think well gee that's great, but to realize and remember there are 147 million just like him! Will it take a picture like this?
An image ingrained into your brain to remember that these children are without the basic necessities we so easily take for granted? Food, shelter, clothing, water....and the list goes on. And this picture is tame compared with many others I considered posting. I've posted video's on here that have shown pictures, clips and statistics about how many children go to bed each night hungry and with no one to hear their cry's. I wonder what it will take?
Does it always require a trip to a foreign land where we are immersed in a different culture? I don't think so. I've never been overseas, never seen 45-100 children in an orphanage begging for attention and love. I've never seen a 13 year old girl given to an older man and expected to start raising children while she still remains a child herself! Yet my heart has been torn in two. My heart aches as God gives me His eyes and allows me to see what I have never seen firsthand. I wonder what it will take?
What will it take for the people of God to start acting? To start being His hands and feet! To stop talking about it and start doing something! Scott and I started this adoption process because God broke our hearts. We started this process because we wanted to do something. But in doing this meager, very small something we have been stirred to do so much more!!!! To be a voice for those who don't have one, to help others stand up and find their voice. To walk with others as they search their own hearts regarding adoption and missions. And while walking through this incredible journey I've found that God doesn't require perfection or knowledge, He only requires a willing heart ready to do as He asks. Don't stand in fear of what if! Stand in awe that the God of the universe would allow us to be used! So I ask you again...
What is it going to take?
I wonder what it will take for us to be gloriously ruined? For our eyes to be opened to not only the poverty crisis but the orphan crisis in the world. For us as believers to not look at another couple who are adopting and think well gee that's great, but to realize and remember there are 147 million just like him! Will it take a picture like this?
Does it always require a trip to a foreign land where we are immersed in a different culture? I don't think so. I've never been overseas, never seen 45-100 children in an orphanage begging for attention and love. I've never seen a 13 year old girl given to an older man and expected to start raising children while she still remains a child herself! Yet my heart has been torn in two. My heart aches as God gives me His eyes and allows me to see what I have never seen firsthand. I wonder what it will take?
What will it take for the people of God to start acting? To start being His hands and feet! To stop talking about it and start doing something! Scott and I started this adoption process because God broke our hearts. We started this process because we wanted to do something. But in doing this meager, very small something we have been stirred to do so much more!!!! To be a voice for those who don't have one, to help others stand up and find their voice. To walk with others as they search their own hearts regarding adoption and missions. And while walking through this incredible journey I've found that God doesn't require perfection or knowledge, He only requires a willing heart ready to do as He asks. Don't stand in fear of what if! Stand in awe that the God of the universe would allow us to be used! So I ask you again...
What is it going to take?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)