Pride

Let me start out by saying that my desire for this blog is not to toot my own horn or for millions to read it. My ultimate desire is to look back years from now and see the hand of God upon my life. To see transformation and miracles and a building of faith. To give my kids something in writing that shows all of my flaws, beauty and passion and for them to realize that that's ok! But in order for this to all happen it means there must be a level of transparency that is uncomfortable. If I am not real with myself on here than it will all be surface and shallow and Gods hand will never be seen.

With that being said this particular blog is difficult to write because I fear I may come across much different than I intend. I pray you read it and see the truth and honesty intended.

Now to the good stuff!

Well, my fabulous friend Brittany Bethel posted on her blog about pride, which was my motivation to write these thoughts down. If you want to read it in its entirety click here. But in it she writes about what prides intentions are in our life. Here is an exert from it.


"My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because you demand your own way. I cheat you of contentment…because you “deserve better than this”. I cheat you of knowledge…because you know it all. I cheat you of healing…because you’re too full of me to forgive. I cheat you of holiness…because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong. I cheat you of vision…because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship…because nobody’s going to know the real you. I cheat you of love…because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth. I cheat you of God’s glory…because I convince you to seen your own glory. My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you. Untrue. I’m looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry if you stick with me you’ll never know."

Does anyone else want to heave a sigh of shame with me? Anyone else ever allowed pride to creep in so slowly that you never knew what hit you? Well this last week I have not only done this but lost focus on my calling because of it. Let me explain further. For those who don't know, I sing! I have sung since junior high, although my mom says I made songs up in the bath when I was 2! But my earliest memories of actually singing were in junior high. I currently sing and am a member of our home churches worship team. I serve about once a month and never feel more at home than when I am worshipping. But with anything done in the public eye you run the risk of allowing pride to creep in.

And as I sing more, more family and friends have given me encouragement, support and even compliments. (Let me say before anyone gets the wrong idea...thank you for this! Your words of encouragement that God used me in some way to touch you or speak to you are why I serve. Not because I want recognition but because I want to give it to Him! And this blog is in no way a poor reflection on your comments to me!) Some people have even asked me why I don't try out for talent contests. (Lets be honest the worst one is my husband!) And my answer is always the same, God has never given me the desire to "be famous" or pursue a career in the public this way. But here recently I have had the desire to audition and pursue fame! And with this desire came a complete obsession with the world. A need to make myself known, which I have never had. An overwhelming urge to show the world what I have to offer...aka PRIDE!

Let me clarify something - I've sung for the world, in theater and other venues and led worship and the two are very different. Theater requires a great deal of confidence, pride and ultimately the ability to fabricate an illusion , something not real. While worship is and should be authentic. A moment in time that isn't about you but all about Him. And I believe most worshippers would tell you we all walk a fine line. A fine line between confidence in the gifts He has given and a humbleness of spirit from being in the presence of a holy and righteous God.

So where has that left me this week? Rather heavy on the confidence in the gifts with no humbleness at all! And this has caused me to lose focus on the important things. I do believe you can be humble and in the spotlight. There are many people I can think of who are in the public eye and admired for their gifts who still remain humble. But I'm just not there. Thats just honest! It took a week of thinking this way and look where it got me. Perhaps thats why God has never given me the desire to toot my own horn! He knows I can't handle it, at least for now! Perhaps when I'm 80 years old He will open a door for me, confident that I will not run from all He has taught me. But for now I'm thankful that He caught me, brought me back home and reminded me that only through Him do I have purpose.

So I leave you feeling a bit lighter after spending some time with my Jesus. Knowing that even before I wrote this He had cleansed it all! Knowing that His mercies are new each morning! Thanks for listening to me ramble and spill my flaws in front of you! Hoping this finds you walking in humbleness and not in pride!