"I am the Lord's servant."

Today for our sophomore girls small group we are learning about Mary the Mother of Jesus. Actually for the next 5 or 6 weeks she is the topic for our lessons and discussions. And I will be honest I wasn't too excited about this. Don't get me wrong, Mary is a great biblical figure and clearly played a pivotal role in the story of Jesus, but...I kept thinking, I know everything about Mary. What more could her story tell me?

Enter the Holy Spirit! HAHA! He is funny that way. Read the same passage of scripture for the 4th or 40th time and it comes alive in a new and fresh way. Mary's story was no different. And as I started preparing the lesson and the questions I would ask, searching for video clips or music, really anything that could help in relaying the message to these girls, the passage in Luke 1 came alive to me again in a new and different way.

I know I shared before how I am doubting all of my abilities in regards to the adoption, but here recently my doubts have become fears. Fears that I really won't be able to handle this. Fears that this process will break my heart in two. Because adoption although awesome is still at its root about a family being torn apart. In order for me to bring my baby boy home he has to first lose his intended mom and dad. Adoption and loss go hand in hand and that brings big tears to my eyes. Some nights I lie awake crying for the loss I know is coming. I cry for his mama and how after carrying this baby in her belly for 9 months she must now part with him, whatever the circumstances. I cry because I know I will never be her. No matter his age or the circumstances of their parting, he will always long for her. That is normal and natural and I would want it no other way, but it still breaks my heart that I am unable to fill the void God meant for her to fill. So I'm left with fear. And some times this fear is almost paralyzing.

And today as I read about Mary and and the angel Gabriel visiting her I was struck by the words of a teenage girl. After what had to of been one of the most traumatic (and probably fear filled) moments in her life, up to this point, she says words I cannot fathom coming out of my mouth. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."(Luke 1:38) Pushing aside FEAR, pushing aside her own dreams and plans, pushing aside what she knew would surely make her an outcast and different from any other girl her age. Knowing that it would be difficult and full of questions. Knowing that heartache awaited her, she steps forward in faith.

I too want to walk forward in faith, assuring myself I am the Lord's servant, but I am walking through a period of grief. Grieving for all that is being and will be lost. Grieving for all that will be broken. Grieving for all of the why's I am certain will come. Grieving because I won't have the answers to the questions I will want to protect him from.

So this week as you think of our family, here and far away, pray that the suffering of everyone involved will be covered by the grace of a perfect and holy God. Pray that his mama will have peace knowing that although I can never be her I will strive to be a close second. Please just pray.

love,
nikki

For more of where my heart is read this blog post, titled Don't Adopt. 

Questions and doubts

Well this friday is the official DTE for our family. DTE means Dossier to Ethiopia. It is a big day for us. One that is 11 months coming and the day we will officially go on the list of parents adopting from Ethiopia. My emotions are so mixed up right now. I'm beyond excited because after 11 months of the paper chase it feels very REAL. I'm nervous because I am hoping that things go smoothly from here on out and we don't hit anymore speed bumps. But mostly I have the feeling of inadequacy.

I think as a parent we struggle daily to teach and correct and shape our children into the kind of people that are liked and successful. This is of course my goal each day, but as a believer I think our struggle is so much more. Of course I want my children to be successful and find favor with man, but more importantly I want my kids to find favor with God and ultimately become world changers for His Kingdom. Sounds easy right???
Nope.
Not even a little.

And as a mother of 2 little girls I know that daily I fail them. Shocker of shockers...I am not perfect. Some days I lose my temper, some days I don't put the best food on the table and some days I KNOW I don't show them Jesus. But this adoption, which has stretched me and caused my faith to be humbled, is a new feeling. I've questioned more things in the past two weeks than I have since we started this process. Now that this is "real" I find myself full of doubts. Not about Scott, or my girls making a transition into having a brother, or even the hurdles I know we will jump by being a multi-cultural family. No I find myself doubting....me.

I find myself asking questions like, can I do this? what makes me think I can parent a child of a different ethnicity? i struggle daily with 2 kids, how can i handle 3 kids? will i even know how to parent a boy? am i really offering a better option for him? And while some people may read that and think those questions are crazy, trust me! I know some of them are. But there they sit in my thoughts and prayers.

Part of me knows the enemy is pouncing on what he knows to be a step of faith and the will of God. And the other part knows that God is allowing me to walk through this season of tests and questions so that I can turn to Him for the answers. A better statement would be, not only find the answers from Him but know that He is the answer.

Truthfully I can do this and I will struggle with 3 kids more than 2. I know I am offering a better option than growing up in an orphanage until the age of 13 where he will be turned out to start working with no education. But even those logical, factual answers are not what I want. I don't want to struggle and just get by with 3 kids, I don't want to rely on my own strength to parent a child of a different culture and ethnicity. I want to soar as a parent. I want to equip my kids to not only succeed but to find favor with God and be a world changer for His kingdom! And to do these things I can only rely on a perfect and holy God. So yet again I find myself humbled, a little lost and calling out to Jesus to walk me through this next season. Realizing that although I have questions and doubts, He doesn't. Although I find myself feeling inadequate, and I so am, He isn't! Which means the burden is lifted from me and placed on His ever capable shoulders. I am reminded that as a parent the only relief we can find is through Jesus.

Once again, I thank you for reading the mutterings of my heart. For staying updated on this process and thanks! thanks! thanks! for praying for our family. We love you!

Dossier FINALLY!

YEAH! WOOHOO! YIPEE!! After 11 months of walking through adoption, we finally submitted our dossier. For those who have walked this road and for those who may have walked closely with someone who has adopted, this step is a big one! Essentially your dossier is a summary of your life. Everything from tax information, birth certificates, physical exams, letters of reference from friends and numerous other things. This packet of information goes through our government in the US and then once approved gets sent to Ethiopia to get sifted through and approved by their government. As soon as this is all done, you start standing in line! I say standing in line because my very visual brain sees it this way. We will be given a number and each week or every other week or once a month we will get a new number and move up in the line. Once you reach the top 5, "the call" could come at any time. "The call" is just that, a phone call from our agency with a referral. By this point they will have found a little boy who matches our age range and we will learn as much as is known about him. We then have 48 hours to accept or reject this referral.

I just want to say again Thank you! Thank you for continuing to support us in this. Thank you for praying along side of us. Thank you for being the shoulder we lean on when things are frustrating or seem bleak. You truly are helping us bring our son home. We love you and I will try to update more!! (AHH! I've been so bad, but truly nothing exciting has been happening until now.)

Much LOVE!