"I am the Lord's servant."

Today for our sophomore girls small group we are learning about Mary the Mother of Jesus. Actually for the next 5 or 6 weeks she is the topic for our lessons and discussions. And I will be honest I wasn't too excited about this. Don't get me wrong, Mary is a great biblical figure and clearly played a pivotal role in the story of Jesus, but...I kept thinking, I know everything about Mary. What more could her story tell me?

Enter the Holy Spirit! HAHA! He is funny that way. Read the same passage of scripture for the 4th or 40th time and it comes alive in a new and fresh way. Mary's story was no different. And as I started preparing the lesson and the questions I would ask, searching for video clips or music, really anything that could help in relaying the message to these girls, the passage in Luke 1 came alive to me again in a new and different way.

I know I shared before how I am doubting all of my abilities in regards to the adoption, but here recently my doubts have become fears. Fears that I really won't be able to handle this. Fears that this process will break my heart in two. Because adoption although awesome is still at its root about a family being torn apart. In order for me to bring my baby boy home he has to first lose his intended mom and dad. Adoption and loss go hand in hand and that brings big tears to my eyes. Some nights I lie awake crying for the loss I know is coming. I cry for his mama and how after carrying this baby in her belly for 9 months she must now part with him, whatever the circumstances. I cry because I know I will never be her. No matter his age or the circumstances of their parting, he will always long for her. That is normal and natural and I would want it no other way, but it still breaks my heart that I am unable to fill the void God meant for her to fill. So I'm left with fear. And some times this fear is almost paralyzing.

And today as I read about Mary and and the angel Gabriel visiting her I was struck by the words of a teenage girl. After what had to of been one of the most traumatic (and probably fear filled) moments in her life, up to this point, she says words I cannot fathom coming out of my mouth. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."(Luke 1:38) Pushing aside FEAR, pushing aside her own dreams and plans, pushing aside what she knew would surely make her an outcast and different from any other girl her age. Knowing that it would be difficult and full of questions. Knowing that heartache awaited her, she steps forward in faith.

I too want to walk forward in faith, assuring myself I am the Lord's servant, but I am walking through a period of grief. Grieving for all that is being and will be lost. Grieving for all that will be broken. Grieving for all of the why's I am certain will come. Grieving because I won't have the answers to the questions I will want to protect him from.

So this week as you think of our family, here and far away, pray that the suffering of everyone involved will be covered by the grace of a perfect and holy God. Pray that his mama will have peace knowing that although I can never be her I will strive to be a close second. Please just pray.

love,
nikki

For more of where my heart is read this blog post, titled Don't Adopt.