Questions and doubts

Well this friday is the official DTE for our family. DTE means Dossier to Ethiopia. It is a big day for us. One that is 11 months coming and the day we will officially go on the list of parents adopting from Ethiopia. My emotions are so mixed up right now. I'm beyond excited because after 11 months of the paper chase it feels very REAL. I'm nervous because I am hoping that things go smoothly from here on out and we don't hit anymore speed bumps. But mostly I have the feeling of inadequacy.

I think as a parent we struggle daily to teach and correct and shape our children into the kind of people that are liked and successful. This is of course my goal each day, but as a believer I think our struggle is so much more. Of course I want my children to be successful and find favor with man, but more importantly I want my kids to find favor with God and ultimately become world changers for His Kingdom. Sounds easy right???
Nope.
Not even a little.

And as a mother of 2 little girls I know that daily I fail them. Shocker of shockers...I am not perfect. Some days I lose my temper, some days I don't put the best food on the table and some days I KNOW I don't show them Jesus. But this adoption, which has stretched me and caused my faith to be humbled, is a new feeling. I've questioned more things in the past two weeks than I have since we started this process. Now that this is "real" I find myself full of doubts. Not about Scott, or my girls making a transition into having a brother, or even the hurdles I know we will jump by being a multi-cultural family. No I find myself doubting....me.

I find myself asking questions like, can I do this? what makes me think I can parent a child of a different ethnicity? i struggle daily with 2 kids, how can i handle 3 kids? will i even know how to parent a boy? am i really offering a better option for him? And while some people may read that and think those questions are crazy, trust me! I know some of them are. But there they sit in my thoughts and prayers.

Part of me knows the enemy is pouncing on what he knows to be a step of faith and the will of God. And the other part knows that God is allowing me to walk through this season of tests and questions so that I can turn to Him for the answers. A better statement would be, not only find the answers from Him but know that He is the answer.

Truthfully I can do this and I will struggle with 3 kids more than 2. I know I am offering a better option than growing up in an orphanage until the age of 13 where he will be turned out to start working with no education. But even those logical, factual answers are not what I want. I don't want to struggle and just get by with 3 kids, I don't want to rely on my own strength to parent a child of a different culture and ethnicity. I want to soar as a parent. I want to equip my kids to not only succeed but to find favor with God and be a world changer for His kingdom! And to do these things I can only rely on a perfect and holy God. So yet again I find myself humbled, a little lost and calling out to Jesus to walk me through this next season. Realizing that although I have questions and doubts, He doesn't. Although I find myself feeling inadequate, and I so am, He isn't! Which means the burden is lifted from me and placed on His ever capable shoulders. I am reminded that as a parent the only relief we can find is through Jesus.

Once again, I thank you for reading the mutterings of my heart. For staying updated on this process and thanks! thanks! thanks! for praying for our family. We love you!