It's Beginning to look a lot like....

CHRISTMAS!! 

Well, Thanksgiving is officially over and we have our tree up! 

We also got a Choo Choo Train this year to put underneath the tree because Anna is a big train fan. And the girls have had so much fun watching it go around and around!

And also the start of the Christmas season brings our first #! Our # refers to our placement on the Dossier list. Now technically this is the unofficial list because our agency is unable to tell us our number officially due to privacy laws but we are excited to have an unofficial number! So here is our number, in Christmas Choo Choo style!

61!!!!

We are super excited to finally be on the list. It is moving rather slowly at this point so I'm not sure how quickly we will get another number but the wait has started!! Please continue to pray for us as we walk closer and closer to bringing our baby boy home!

Love y'all!

Stories

Well, The holidays are upon us and that means lots of food! And decorations and yummy smells and hopefully cooler weather. It also means lots of story telling in our house! Every day Lily asks 5 times a day for a story. Here recently she has started telling me stories and it has been so neat to watch as her imagination takes over and she creates. But when it comes to my story telling, I admit, I am not nearly as creative so I usually tell stories from the Bible. Last night we went through Jonah and Joseph and the story of when Jesus was born. (Funny side note: at almost 4 she really is so perceptive but last night as we were talking about Jesus dying on the cross and being buried I asked her what happened when 3 days went by and she proceeded to tell me, rather proudly too, that Jesus went in the belly of a whale!! Hilarious!)

Anyway, we talked about Jesus being born in a manger (Or as Lily says on a farm!! She's 4 so we go with it!) And we even went further back to when the Angel appeared to Mary to tell her about Jesus. Which lead to the discussion of sometimes doing things that scare us or we feel unable to do. And I realize sometimes I may broach topics that seem too adult for my almost 4 year old, but then I see the understanding and acceptance on her face and think, she is soaking it all in and because she is 4 and not 25 learning these things it will be easier for her to walk out her calling. Easier for her to trust the things of God because its what she knows and what she's been taught.

And once Lily has exhausted all questions, and trust me there is always plenty, we change to another story. Each one different and unique. Each person or character walking through life and teaching us lessons.

But because we live in a land of stories my mind has started to wander. Causing me to ask questions like...What will Lily tell her kids and grandkids about me? And what will her kids tell their grandkids? Plainly speaking, what will my story be? What will be the theme of my life? As I sit here and type I think of the people in my life and I can clearly see a definite theme in their lives. The things they taught and believed in. The things they sacrificed for. But what about me?

I think as a believer we would all like to say in the end we lived for Jesus! And I do hope that is said of me in the days to come, but what about the more intimate details, the things my family and close friends see? What have I expressed passion for? What moves me? What would I sacrifice everything for? Some things that jump to mind are my kids and husband, my family, people with no voice, children who have little to no hope left, the local church...these are all things that move me, that I am passionate about but what am I doing with this? James 2:17 says that , "So you see faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds it is dead." Simply put I can be passionate all day long about these things that tug at my heartstrings but if there is no action, no plan to support, encourage or dig deep into the trenches it is pointless, it is dead.

So as I type I am going to once again challenge myself, because we all need reminders of what we have been called to. No more sitting on the sidelines watching as the world falls deeper into hopelessness and despair. No more waiting while God looks to His people to help, aid, love and support the fallen. I don't want Him disappointed in me. It is a time for steps of faith. Because in the end I want people to see a woman of faith but just as importantly a woman of action.

Fear=A Mediocre Life

This is an excerpt from this book. I have previously posted about Katie's blog, which I highly encourage everyone to read, but this portion of her book really struck me. 


Katie writes:

"I remembered a story I once read:

'Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other:  "How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times?  We want to survive whatever happens.  Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs."  So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said:  "You have so much more than you need, while we don't have enough to survive.  Give us part of your wealth!"  But the fearful hoarders said:  "No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened."  But the others said:  "We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive.  We can't wait...we need it now!"  Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them.  So they said to one another:  "Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it from us."  They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not!  As their fear increased they told each other:  "Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls.  Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away.  We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us."  But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had built with their own fear.  They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy.  And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.'"

Can you see yourself? I feel as though it was directed right at me. How often I take care of me and mine, forgetting that I have been commanded to do so much more. Then she continued on to write these words that knocked me flat:

"Fear.  It's part of human nature, but it's not something we got from God.  Second Timothy 1:7 says:  "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity.  While the Bible doesn't tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life's calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction:

'You are to find me in the least of these.'  Yes.

'You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.'  Yes.

'You are to love and serve the Lord God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.'  Yes.

'You are to go and make disciples of all nations.'  Yes.

'You are to entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors.'  Yes.

'You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it.'  No"






So I ask you...where does that leave you? Are you walking in fear hoping to scrape by and at the end say I've done okay? Or are you fearlessly careening through life, living without bounds knowing that God takes care of all your needs and then some? I can't say I always do the latter but it is what I strive for. Join me in serving the least of these, in loving those who the world has turned on and seem unlovable. Join me in living an abundant life in Jesus. I can honestly say in the moments when I hand a cup of water to the thirsty in the name of Jesus and in the moments when I sacrifice to the point of hurting I feel more like my Savior than ever before. And thats where I want to be, thats where I want to dwell. I want to rest and serve and live in the work and will of the Most High. 

"I am the Lord's servant."

Today for our sophomore girls small group we are learning about Mary the Mother of Jesus. Actually for the next 5 or 6 weeks she is the topic for our lessons and discussions. And I will be honest I wasn't too excited about this. Don't get me wrong, Mary is a great biblical figure and clearly played a pivotal role in the story of Jesus, but...I kept thinking, I know everything about Mary. What more could her story tell me?

Enter the Holy Spirit! HAHA! He is funny that way. Read the same passage of scripture for the 4th or 40th time and it comes alive in a new and fresh way. Mary's story was no different. And as I started preparing the lesson and the questions I would ask, searching for video clips or music, really anything that could help in relaying the message to these girls, the passage in Luke 1 came alive to me again in a new and different way.

I know I shared before how I am doubting all of my abilities in regards to the adoption, but here recently my doubts have become fears. Fears that I really won't be able to handle this. Fears that this process will break my heart in two. Because adoption although awesome is still at its root about a family being torn apart. In order for me to bring my baby boy home he has to first lose his intended mom and dad. Adoption and loss go hand in hand and that brings big tears to my eyes. Some nights I lie awake crying for the loss I know is coming. I cry for his mama and how after carrying this baby in her belly for 9 months she must now part with him, whatever the circumstances. I cry because I know I will never be her. No matter his age or the circumstances of their parting, he will always long for her. That is normal and natural and I would want it no other way, but it still breaks my heart that I am unable to fill the void God meant for her to fill. So I'm left with fear. And some times this fear is almost paralyzing.

And today as I read about Mary and and the angel Gabriel visiting her I was struck by the words of a teenage girl. After what had to of been one of the most traumatic (and probably fear filled) moments in her life, up to this point, she says words I cannot fathom coming out of my mouth. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."(Luke 1:38) Pushing aside FEAR, pushing aside her own dreams and plans, pushing aside what she knew would surely make her an outcast and different from any other girl her age. Knowing that it would be difficult and full of questions. Knowing that heartache awaited her, she steps forward in faith.

I too want to walk forward in faith, assuring myself I am the Lord's servant, but I am walking through a period of grief. Grieving for all that is being and will be lost. Grieving for all that will be broken. Grieving for all of the why's I am certain will come. Grieving because I won't have the answers to the questions I will want to protect him from.

So this week as you think of our family, here and far away, pray that the suffering of everyone involved will be covered by the grace of a perfect and holy God. Pray that his mama will have peace knowing that although I can never be her I will strive to be a close second. Please just pray.

love,
nikki

For more of where my heart is read this blog post, titled Don't Adopt. 

Questions and doubts

Well this friday is the official DTE for our family. DTE means Dossier to Ethiopia. It is a big day for us. One that is 11 months coming and the day we will officially go on the list of parents adopting from Ethiopia. My emotions are so mixed up right now. I'm beyond excited because after 11 months of the paper chase it feels very REAL. I'm nervous because I am hoping that things go smoothly from here on out and we don't hit anymore speed bumps. But mostly I have the feeling of inadequacy.

I think as a parent we struggle daily to teach and correct and shape our children into the kind of people that are liked and successful. This is of course my goal each day, but as a believer I think our struggle is so much more. Of course I want my children to be successful and find favor with man, but more importantly I want my kids to find favor with God and ultimately become world changers for His Kingdom. Sounds easy right???
Nope.
Not even a little.

And as a mother of 2 little girls I know that daily I fail them. Shocker of shockers...I am not perfect. Some days I lose my temper, some days I don't put the best food on the table and some days I KNOW I don't show them Jesus. But this adoption, which has stretched me and caused my faith to be humbled, is a new feeling. I've questioned more things in the past two weeks than I have since we started this process. Now that this is "real" I find myself full of doubts. Not about Scott, or my girls making a transition into having a brother, or even the hurdles I know we will jump by being a multi-cultural family. No I find myself doubting....me.

I find myself asking questions like, can I do this? what makes me think I can parent a child of a different ethnicity? i struggle daily with 2 kids, how can i handle 3 kids? will i even know how to parent a boy? am i really offering a better option for him? And while some people may read that and think those questions are crazy, trust me! I know some of them are. But there they sit in my thoughts and prayers.

Part of me knows the enemy is pouncing on what he knows to be a step of faith and the will of God. And the other part knows that God is allowing me to walk through this season of tests and questions so that I can turn to Him for the answers. A better statement would be, not only find the answers from Him but know that He is the answer.

Truthfully I can do this and I will struggle with 3 kids more than 2. I know I am offering a better option than growing up in an orphanage until the age of 13 where he will be turned out to start working with no education. But even those logical, factual answers are not what I want. I don't want to struggle and just get by with 3 kids, I don't want to rely on my own strength to parent a child of a different culture and ethnicity. I want to soar as a parent. I want to equip my kids to not only succeed but to find favor with God and be a world changer for His kingdom! And to do these things I can only rely on a perfect and holy God. So yet again I find myself humbled, a little lost and calling out to Jesus to walk me through this next season. Realizing that although I have questions and doubts, He doesn't. Although I find myself feeling inadequate, and I so am, He isn't! Which means the burden is lifted from me and placed on His ever capable shoulders. I am reminded that as a parent the only relief we can find is through Jesus.

Once again, I thank you for reading the mutterings of my heart. For staying updated on this process and thanks! thanks! thanks! for praying for our family. We love you!

Dossier FINALLY!

YEAH! WOOHOO! YIPEE!! After 11 months of walking through adoption, we finally submitted our dossier. For those who have walked this road and for those who may have walked closely with someone who has adopted, this step is a big one! Essentially your dossier is a summary of your life. Everything from tax information, birth certificates, physical exams, letters of reference from friends and numerous other things. This packet of information goes through our government in the US and then once approved gets sent to Ethiopia to get sifted through and approved by their government. As soon as this is all done, you start standing in line! I say standing in line because my very visual brain sees it this way. We will be given a number and each week or every other week or once a month we will get a new number and move up in the line. Once you reach the top 5, "the call" could come at any time. "The call" is just that, a phone call from our agency with a referral. By this point they will have found a little boy who matches our age range and we will learn as much as is known about him. We then have 48 hours to accept or reject this referral.

I just want to say again Thank you! Thank you for continuing to support us in this. Thank you for praying along side of us. Thank you for being the shoulder we lean on when things are frustrating or seem bleak. You truly are helping us bring our son home. We love you and I will try to update more!! (AHH! I've been so bad, but truly nothing exciting has been happening until now.)

Much LOVE!

Some Updates after weeks away!

HEY!! Long time no blog! Sorry but the summer is busy for us with trips for youth and camp and visiting family! And besides our trouble scheduling our fingerprints there hasn't been anything else to update regarding the adoption.

But I am so elated to tell you that we are weeks away from submitting our dossier!! WOOHOO! This means we are a couple months away from actually being on the LIST! This is simply the 'line' we wait in until we are given our referral for our little boy! If I am being completely honest this last bit of the process has been long and frustrating, but I'm so glad to say its almost over. Then another long wait.

Please continue to be in prayer for this when you think of our family. Lily asks at least weekly if not more when Brother is coming home, which makes Scott and me so excited to be teaching our 3 and a half year old that family doesn't mean one color or race and it doesn't mean we all have to come from the same place. Family is truly determined by the Father of all fathers! We believe and know He alone has chosen the children that complete our family.

 And of course the closer we get to finishing up our portion of the paperwork there are new decisions to be made. Once we get our referral will one of us stay in country while the visa's are being processed? Where will the rest of the funds come from? How will this fit into our plans for next year? Re: family, ministry, commitments...? So many things to ponder and yet I know Scott and I are content, knowing that God's hand has been all over this. Thanks for staying connected through the blog, I'll try to be better about updating...hopefully soon with our number placements!! (Insert shriek of excitment!) And thanks to all of you who ask about this process. You cannot imagine what it feels like to know people are supporting and wanting to stay updated!

We love you all so much!

Stretching, Searching and Dreaming

Well, for those who don't know I stepped out of my comfort zone here recently. I took the encouragement of friends and family and a huge leap of faith and auditioned for a nationally syndicated show, the X Factor. The auditions were in Dallas and I made the first 3 rounds and had a blast. It was an incredible experience and a wonderful opportunity to meet people who are so far from my own bubble, I'm sure I would not have met them otherwise.

And for those who watch, American Idol and America's Got Talent and other such shows...yes there are the 'original' looking people as well as some incredibly talented and genuine people. I had the opportunity to talk and share stories with so many people.

One situation sticks out in my mind. During the second cut we were taken in groups of 10, based on age, O was for over 26 - or as we called it...the oldies! And taken back to the auditioning booths and made to wait for our turn. The waiting process varied but this particular time we sat for about 40 minutes to an hour. I sat next to an African American man who said he was 41. He had been married for 21 years and had 3 grown children and already a grandson. While I don't want to put a label on anyone I also want to depict my first impression of him to you. I would say he was a bit rougher than I would normally associate with. But here we were sitting next to one another, nervous and hoping that at 30 (me) and 41, our dreams might finally come true. So we started talking and after showing off pictures of our kids he asked me what I did and about my family. I mentioned that my husband is a youth pastor and it was complete shut down. I wish I had video taped it because the mention of God or me having any connection to a church was definitely not a good thing in his book and his face and actions hid none of that.

Well, needless to say we stopped conversing rather abruptly and waited some more. But after a few minutes the others in our group started a conversation and the two of us were thrown back together talking and laughing as if the 'God' thing never happened. And after some time my name was called to go and audition, but before I got up he said to me, "I was kind of nervous when you said your husband works at a church...but you're really cool." That was it! Something had changed in the course of 20 minutes.

My assumption from this encounter was at some point he had a bad experience with a Christian. Something happened that made him think all Jesus people were awful and so he didn't want me judging him or throwing Jesus in his face. But by the end I think he realized it wasn't such a bad thing. I didn't open my Bible or preach to him...I didn't share my own salvation story. I just laughed and talked and listened. While I know I probably won't ever see this man again I'm hoping that the Holy Spirit used me to plant a seed. A seed that will allow him to next time not turn away from the believer. A seed that will tempt him to darken the door of a church some day, hoping to find laughter and friendship and hope! And this is just one of many stories I could tell you about my adventure.

I saw a lot of people searching and hoping for I don't know what. Something to fill the void of dissatisfaction. Something to find their identity in. I am sure there was a whole lot of things I can't even imagine people were looking for. But I know that while my motives and expectations for the trip were nothing compared to what God had planned for me, I am so thankful He knows whats best for me.

So, I didn't make it to the televised audition and while the rejection stings (if you say differently you must be super human!) I know God's plan for my life is phenomenal. Last night I pictured God seeing the big picture, knowing what it would look like for me, my family and all affected if I made it far in this competition and saying Nope!! It's time to stop this. Much like I do with my girls. As a mom I know too much candy will only make them sick in the end. And so I stop them even though they cry out and say but mom its so yummy! Because I can see a bit further than them. So while my journey with the X Factor has come to a close I know incredible God breathed, Holy Spirit empowered things are ahead of me. More moments of sharing life with those whom God is still beckoning to draw close to him. And so I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. Glad that for a couple days I walked with people outside my bubble. If for no other reason than to share life for 40 minutes with a man from Florida who doesn't know my Jesus.

Love y'all!!

Shame & Honor

Well, this last week Scott and I spent time in Estes Park, CO. It was gorgeous and if you get the chance I would highly encourage you to take a trip there and enjoy the incredible beauty of God's creation. The Rocky Mountains are spectacular. The reason we took the 15 hour ride there was for Student Life HS Youth Camp!! Yes it is that time of year....church camp! Last year we went to Glorietta, NM and I took both of the girls and it was not the experience I hoped for. So this year a friend kept the girls at our house during the day and my fabulous Mother in law kept them at night. It was rough, for everyone I think, but we made it through and I am so thankful. Scott and I were able to minister to the teens and do it uninterrupted and without major distraction. With young children in ministry, this is something to be treasured.

Anyway, the speaker was JR Vasser and the worship band was The Jeff Johnson Band. Both were fabulous. I highly recommend 'Ruin Me' and 'The beauty of the Cross' by Jeff Johnson. Both are wonderful worship songs that have caused me to pause and pray these lyrics over my life, my kids and our teens. But what I wanted to share were two very profound truths JR Vasser shared. I know that our students were touched by them and since I was I figured maybe you would be as well.

While speaking Vasser talked about being a young 20 something and speaking with someone about being a virgin or sexually pure. And he was mocked in a sense by being asked why would you do that. His response was an articulate description we should all be able to share. He told this girl, lets pretend that I am all knowing. I know everything, actual and possible. I know everything! Then lets pretend that I love you more than anything! I mean I love you more than anything and I know everything. Would you trust me? Of course the girl said Yes! If you know everything and you love me more than anything I would trust you. And he said that's why I am a virgin. I serve a God who wants the best for me and he gave me a book as an outline for life...why wouldn't I follow it and trust him?

And this to me was a beautiful way to share just about anything God has called us to? Don't you love it? If I put God's requests of me in this light, this perspective it makes total sense and allows me to trust on a level of complete dependence. I'm sure reading it and hearing are two totally different things but I hope this has hit you in some way or reminded you how He truly does not only know what is best but wants what is best for you.

Another thing I think hit home for our kids was the concept of honor and shame. So often the decisions and choices we make are based on the opinion of our friends and family. Because we have such a desire for acceptance, we aim to please man instead of pleasing God. Vasser said you have two options...shame and honor. You can have honor right now with people and shame for eternity with God, or you can have shame now with people and honor for eternity with God. I don't know about you but that makes my choices a bit easier. That makes my decisions aim towards honor with God for eternity. The present shame or ridicule seems less daunting when in the light of eternity.

That's all! I could go on forever because Vasser was that good. He preached out of Hosea and it was phenomenal. But these two truths really resonated with our teens. And I will ask you this. Our teens made some commitments and some decisions this last week that were all for God's glory. We are so proud of them and I know that God is pleased with their willingness to follow him and sacrifice what the world has to offer. But it isn't easy. Teens these days walk in a culture of instant self gratification and have access to everything and anything they want. So, I would ask you to join Scott, myself and our phenomenal leaders in praying that they maintain these commitments and live lives pleasing to the one who made the ultimate sacrifice.

On an adoption note...we are still stuck. We are now about to reschedule our fingerprinting or biometrics for the 3rd time. They keep rescheduling when we are out of town and todays newest appointment was again when we are on another HS trip. Not only does this put us behind in time but if I am being honest makes my spirits lag yet again. We are now behind months in time and the idea of actually meeting my son seems like a dream most days. Please be in prayer for us that things would make a turn for the better and that our spirits would not feel so defeated in regards to this process. We are positive we are called to this and thats why we haven't stopped anything or run from the turmoil in Ethiopia regarding adoption but it doesn't make it easy. We covet your prayers for our family as we continue to walk this out. Thanks everyone!!

Biometrics, Dossier and other things!

Hey Everyone!! I have been so remiss and haven't posted in over a month...ugh! Sorry to not keep you updated but the only excuse I have is...life keeps happening! HA! I'm sure you know what I mean. This past two weeks have been ridiculously busy and have found our house stressful and crazy. Yesterday was the culmination of the craziness. We had senior sunday at church and Scott spoke, our band lead worship and then we had a luncheon to honor our seniors and their families. A couple hours later Lily had her first dance recital! Here is my sweet pea in her costume...not happy about me taking her picture but still cute!

As far as adoption stuff, well to be honest I haven't updated because it has been a couple weeks of discouragement. I've been more negative than I should and so I haven't posted anything. After waiting weeks we got our biometrics appointment and it was set for the beginning of june in Lubbock. We happen to be in Colorado for HS Youth camp so we had to reschedule. Which means waiting more weeks for another appointment hoping that we aren't out of town again, which we seem to be a lot with the youth group this summer. All of this to say our dossier cannot be turned in until this is completed and we receive our clearance. The Ethiopian government is still at a processing level of 5 per day and the longer we wait on our end the more it seems it will be at least a year for us to get our boy. I know it could work out totally differently, I'm just sharing with you what my discouragement is at this point. 

In other news, good friends of ours Daniel and Nathalie Whisnant are in the process of producing a documentary. Daniel is a phenomenal website and graphic designer and has recently started photography and filming. His good friend and his wife are adopting from Ethiopia as well and are actually ready to go pick their son up very soon. Daniel is filming and documenting the entire process and hopefully will one day use this to educate others about adoption. I encourage you to check it out and support this project. Anything that can educate and promote adoption is worth our time and support. Click HERE to access more information on this project. You can also check out the link on our blog on the left side below.

Broken

For those who don't know my husband is a high school youth pastor. Which means we have the joy of reliving our youth and staying young by hanging with 14-18 year olds on a regular basis. It also means we have the privilege of walking with some extremely gifted and talented students who are set apart to do phenomenal things in the name of Jesus. And during our regular wednesday night services I was again thrilled to see what God is doing and teaching the next generation of world changers. Humbled to watch as God breaks their hearts for their friends and peers who don't know Jesus.

I tweeted tonight that if the heart of God dwells within the man of God than he will be broken. I say this because as my husband spoke with the teens tonight he was just that...broken! He stood before them broken over the youth of Odessa. And in turn asked them what they were broken over? What or who had their hearts broken for? Which got me to thinking....which usually translates into music and I thought of that song Hosanna...ever heard it? In the bridge it says 'break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause, as I walk from earth into eternity.'

And as I walk from this life into my eternal life worshipping a Holy God what is breaking my heart? Which piece of Jesus' heart has been given to me? What do I see that breaks the heart of God and in turn breaks mine? Is it the child who only knows love by the smack of a hand across his face? Is it the 14 year old girl who has been sold in marriage to start producing children while she still remains a child herself? Is it the one lost sheep out of 100 who wanders off after hearing truth all his life? What is it? Is it the child who lives in squalor while her parents are dying from treatable diseases? Is it the teen who has made a bad decision and been cast out by her parents? Is it the out of work dad trying to maintain his home against all odds? What is it?

I don't know about you but I want to be broken. Broken over the things that break the heart of Jesus. I don't want to look at another person who by societies standards is unlovable and walk away. I don't want to buckle to peer pressure and fall back on self gratification one more time. I want to be broken, broken enough to not just post a blog for you to read but broken enough to take action. Whether that means pouring into the life of a child or walking with a mom who has been broken by her abusive ex-husband...I don't know. I just know that being complacent, apathetic and ok with the status quo doesn't fly when I look around me. As my heart transforms more into the heart of God I see things differently and it causes my heart to break more. I invite you to pray the prayer in the song Hosanna with me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours God!
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause!
As I walk from earth into eternity!

All for Jesus and His honor and His glory because He is worthy!

A Paper Pregnancy!

I've heard adoption called that before, but some moments make it more a reality than others. Just as I was pregnant with my girls I feel 'pregnant' most days..just no outward appearance of a belly. You run the gamut of emotional highs and lows. Moments of pure excitement and elation and moments of doubt and insecurity. For those who have been pregnant and had a paper pregnancy I know they can relate. Every time we turn in a new piece of paper that gets us one step closer its like another day down towards D day! Another thing off of our never ending check list that gets us closer to finally seeing his face, hearing his laughter and holding him for the first time. I find myself day dreaming more often about what it will be like once we get him home, whenever that may be. I am a total realist and know it will be rough. Although God has placed him in my heart for months now, we are virtual strangers. I know the transition will be filled with ups and downs but I am anticipating all that God will teach us as a family through that experience. I am anticipating watching Lily and Anna teach him all there is to know about being a Windham. About how Daddy is the best to cuddle with late at night because he is so cozy and how Mommy loves to have dance parties in the kitchen with the music blaring!

And here recently I've found myself praying more and more for not only him and his circumstances and caregivers but the continent of Africa and the country of Ethiopia. I find the more I fall in love with him the more I fall in love with the people. People I have never met. People I have had basically no contact with in my life. But it has been an amazing process as God's heart towards the African people has been literally given to me. I know the basics of this love is because my son is African. How could I not love his history, his culture, his people and love him? He is tied to them and because God ordained me as his mother I too am tied.  I will be forever grateful to them for all they have given to him. For all they have given to me.

And so we find ourselves waiting more. We recently turned in our I-600 to the department of homeland security to be fingerprinted and then given the most important document, the one allowing us to bring our son back into the US. Then our dossier will be complete and submitted. Then the long list as we wait for our referral! Friends of ours who we attend church with are a few steps ahead of us and have received the final email saying they are finally in the long list waiting for their referral! We could not be more excited for them as we watch them walk this final step towards meeting their new son. We are so blessed to have others in our community walking the same road and hopefully our children will be raised together. Join me in praying for the Ward family! The waiting is the most difficult and I know we can stand in the gap for them as we pray the time would fly by. Pray for their 3 daughters as they prepare for a new little brother. And of course for their son and his caregivers.

We will of course keep you updated if anything happens and thank you in advance for your support during this time. We love you all!!

Big Dreams!

Well, I went to see Soul Surfer tonight with a bunch of friends and it was great. If you are not familiar with this movie it is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, professional surfer. At 14 she suffered a shark attack in Hawaii and lost her left arm. While yes that is a horrific thing to happen the story after is really the incredible part. Having surfed all her life she gets back on her board and back in the water. And before I give away all of the really good tear jerker parts I'll just say....Go see this movie! It is faith based, clean and has some phenomenal principles based in Biblical truth.

But of course while watching this movie I was so inspired. It is at it's core a very inspiring story, the concept of once you hit bottom and feel as if your world has been turned upside down, get back up and try again! But my inspiration was from other things. Like seeing a mother and father struggle as they watched their daughter walk through something life altering. I think when you become a parent your eyes change. The way you see others and see the world changes. But more importantly your eyes change when you look to the future, you start dreaming. I know when Lily was born I dreamed great things for her. And of course when Anna was born I again dreamed big for her and the things she would accomplish. When God placed our little boy in my heart I began praying and dreaming big things for him, but as each of them get older I have learned to dream bigger - the size of a mountain. Nothing is too great for them to accomplish with the Creator of the universe inside of them. Nothing is impossible with God walking ahead of them. Scripture screams this to us when it says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Recently a friend of mine who is having a baby, was preparing the nursery for her first son and she put above the crib, "Let him sleep for when he wakes he shall move mountains!" Talk about believing, dreaming and declaring big things for your kids. Our children are the hope we have that they will rock the world for Jesus in a way we never thought of. Our children are the hope that their accomplishments for the kingdom of God will astound every generation that has walked before them. I want to dream big for my kids. Let's stop thinking small and start thinking gigantic. Like Furtick says in his book, start praying like Joshua did when he asked God to make the sun stand still. (Joshua 10:12) Think miraculous and then think GOD!

But before I leave you I also want to say this one quick thing. Don't think that we must wait for our kids to do the impossible. God is calling us to dream big for ourselves and run an incredible race for His namesake. Instead of thinking dream big for my kids and thats the end I'm thinking see if you can keep up with me kids! Start running, run hard for Him and lets finish well dreaming of what it will be like to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

A story!

Can I tell you a story of provision, sovereignty and blessing?

For those who have kept up with either Scott or I, or read our blog then you can testify with us of God continually showing up thru this adoption. He has grown and stretched our faith in ways we could not have seen at the beginning of this journey and He has provided for us in ways we never could have dreamed of! And yesterday is just another beautiful piece to our journey, another way God has reached His hand down and reminded us that He is ever present in our lives and our sons life!

For those who are unfamiliar with the adoption process it consists of many steps, each step requires something new and is usually accompanied by another small or sometimes large chunk of money for lawyers and government fees and well just about everything you can think of! And both times we have had chunks due, God has placed money literally in our laps from places that we didn't even know existed. Yesterday was no exception!!

It wasn't unlike most Thursday's for us, the girls were at mothers day out and Scott and I were both working. My phone rang as I was leaving lunch and Scott said we got our taxes back and told me our refund amount! I literally whooped out loud! For quite some time we knew we would take our refund and use it towards our next adoption payment but thought we would come up short and have to raise money or save some more towards it. So when Scott told me the amount of our refund and it was literally $35 short I whooped out loud. Let me tell you, this is the third time God has dropped money in our laps and money that is almost to the penny of the amount we need! Can you say it with me...GOD is good, GOD is always on time and GOD is so faithful to provide!!

I just wanted to share this with you so that you can be reminded that God provides for His children and that even when we forget where our help comes from, it is always the Lord. We are so blessed and cannot wait to see how God continues to reveal His hand throughout the remainder of this process. Please continue to pray with us as we are about to submit our dossier very soon! We will of course keep you updated!! Love Y'all!

Weird!

Well, here recently I can't say I've been at my best. To be completely honest a week ago today I had a bit of a breakdown. Like crying, shaking, overwhelmed had to call my husband breakdown. Ever had one of those? If not, I'm happy for you. But if you have, you know what they feel like. Defeating and a sense of being lost and all of it controlled by stress. Stress over my house (cleaning, laundry, etc.), stress over my job, over being a mom, a wife, a pastors wife...and the list goes on. The best way I could describe to Scott my anxiety was, I feel like I have 7 different hats I am meant to wear and while I have my hats on at all times of the day switching back and forth I feel like I am not doing even one thing well. Just maintaining at a mediocre level of all things...essentially keeping my head above water. And I find that most days I walk around dazed just trying to keep up and maintain this crazy lifestyle I have created.

Well, my husband calmed me and we concluded that while I was stressed and overwhelmed everything is fixable! Everything can be resolved and it is simply a matter of re-prioritizing and establishing good habits. And this is partly true. (I'll explain in a minute.) Two days later Scott went out of town again to recruit interns for the summer for Crossroads Youth Ministry and while he was gone a friend told me to pick up Craig Groeschel's book Weird. This was after telling her about my blowup and she said just read the first chapter....she was right on. The first chapter of this book speaks to everyone but stressed out, exhausted moms who are doing too much - it is most definitely for us!

Let me quote something to you from the book and see if it rings true for you. "...we usually equate busyness with importance. This isn't just about worldly accomplishments; it's about spiritual worth as well. One of the foundational lies we've absorbed about the value of busyness is that it indicates our spiritual worth. If we work hard enough and get our lives together and do as many good and valuable things as possible, then God will be pleased." For me this was a wow moment because not only do I try to do it all but I try to make sure it looks like I have it all together. Let's be honest...I don't! Far from it and somewhere along my journey I thought it was more important to please people instead of God. So I've piled on thing after thing in the hopes to please those around me and lie of all lies please God.

How sad is it that I have sought man's approval before God's? How sad that in the busyness of life I have allowed the Devil victory? Ever heard the saying, " If the Devil can't makes us really bad, then he'll make us really busy?" I hadn't but boy does it ring true now.  I've allowed the busyness of life to control me and my decisions and actions and it has left me lost, confused, stressed and having anxiety attacks.

So I am regrouping and yes re-prioritizing but not because I want man's approval. Because I want God's will for my life. Because I want to do a few God ordained things well and not a lot of important worldly things poorly. So I have changed my conjunction as Groeschel writes. I am no longer an and girl. "I will do this and this and this and this and this!" I'm dropping or's into my boat ride and it will now be I can do this or this or this or this! Simplicity is the key. Simplicity in my house (not every room has to sparkle everyday), simplicity in my job (the only pressure I have is placed by myself!), simplicity as a mom (playing and investing in my kids is more important than carting them to 5 activities per week), and simplicity in being a wife/pastor's wife (my ministry to Scott = loving and serving him in the small things!). So i invite you to join me and become an or person. Stop trying to stay busy so that we look and feel important in the eyes of the world. But slow down and invest in people and souls in the simple things. Just like Jesus. In His lifetime He would never be considered normal. And while the world maintains I should be busy to be important and normal, what is normal is not what I want. What everyone else is doing is not my goal in life. Matthew 7:13,14 says, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate that leads to destruction, and many (normal) enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few (weird) find it."

Become weird with me and slow down and follow Jesus.

Some updates!!

For those few sweet people that look at our blog let me apologize for not updating recently. Scott was gone for 9 days on a mission trip and so I became a hermit with the girls in our house and immediately upon his return our social worker flew in from Dallas to complete the last portion of our home study, so I have been busy and neglectful of my updates. Our social worker leaves tomorrow and thus far the experience has been incredible for me. (More to follow later.)

As a brief update for those praying along side of us regarding the unrest over adoption in Ethiopia let me first say, thanks! You cannot imagine the joy and peace we feel as a family to know there are others out there supporting our little boy and millions of others just like him. And the great news is we are receiving hopeful reports. While we understand things can change very quickly, we also see much hope in the reports we are getting. The Ministry of Women and Children has been renamed (can't remember the new one) and restructured to offer more security and stability to the children and their birth families and adopting families. While they have not increased the number of adoptions currently being processed daily they have said within a couple of weeks once the new staff and procedures have been implemented they hope to raise the numbers gradually. As I said before this is fabulous news and proof that the Ethiopian government is still very much on board and supports adoptions out of their country, which bodes well for all of us still waiting for our children. Please continue to pray with us that the reports continue to be good and most of all that each decision made is one that will protect the children and keep their safety at the forefront of this process.

Now I wanted to share, briefly, a little of what our social worker has been sharing, imparting and teaching Scott and I during her 3 day visit. Her name is Adela and she has been in adoptions for I believe around 40 years, needless to say she is full of incredible wisdom and we are so thankful that we were assigned to her. The neat part of what she does during this visit is she doesn't just teach you. She shows you what your own gifts and strengths are in parenting. I found this most incredible because in our current society we tend to point out the negative things or ways we would parent differently. I'm sure you who are parents can relate to this, from the time you announce you are pregnant or adopting, everyone has an opinion and if you already have kids they want to sweetly tell you how you messed up before but can do better this time!! UGH! Well Adela is not like this. While she graciously corrects our misconceptions or sometimes ignorance she does not dwell on this.  And while I could go on forever about all she has taught us in such a short time I want to share with you one portion of what I have learned during this process.

I picked Adela up at the airport and we went to lunch together and it was great, we got to know one another and spoke about adoption and life in general. But later after she was settled in I returned to actually conduct my individual interview I guess you would call it. And thats where things got a bit more heavy. For those who don't know my story, my parents got divorced when I was 18. They had been married for over 21 years and my dad left. But the interesting part isn't that he left but he quite literally divorced me and my two brothers. After being a father for 21 years he decided he was done. Without going into too much detail I have had contact with him but not in some years now and even at 30 years old it still hurts. If I'm going to be quite honest this has been one of the most difficult things I have ever walked through. While I have made peace regarding many things and while I don't dwell on this often the hurt I felt and sometimes can still feel is very real. I've told you all of this because Adela wanted me to recount all of this. (not the most fun!) And by the end I had tears in my eyes and was trying to maintain some semblance of composure. And what she said next is what I found most intriguing.

She proceeded to explain to me that adopted children will suffer deep abandonment issues, something I already had read plenty on. And in the next breathe she said because of what I had walked through with my dad I would be unique to my son because I too had felt those feelings. Instead of replying to him with I understand, when he cries because at 6 he doesn't understand why his birth mother didn't keep him, I can truly say I understand!! While our stories will be different the feelings are not. While our circumstances will be different the hurt is not. And I'm hoping by now you see the beauty in this situation.

I've always heard that God never wastes a hurt. I have experienced this before but never to this degree. To think the day my dad walked out and left a young woman on the brink of adulthood....God had a plan, for me and my son. To think the day I cried because he continued to not return my phone calls....God had a plan, for me and my son. To think the day I found out he had remarried and moved on without even telling us and I was crushed...God had a plan, for me and my son!! God's plan was to call me out of my comfort and complacency. God's plan was to walk me through the valley of abandonment so that one day I could comfort my son!!! God's plan was to teach me to depend fully on Him for my identity, worth and sense of belonging so that one day I can teach my son these same truths. I rejoice over God's perfect plan! I am so thankful that He knows and I don't, what a mess I would make of things! And now I walk into this still understanding it will not be easy but rejoicing because God has been preparing me for this for longer than I knew. PRAISE GOD!!

As always I leave you with ridiculous thanks! We love you all and are so grateful to walk this out with you. Much love as we continue to see God's faithful hand in this process.

Emergency Campaign for Ethiopian Children

The Joint Council on International Children's Services put out an Emergency Campaign for Ethiopian children today -- we only have a few days to sign and hopefully it'll make a difference! They plan to present it to the Prime Minister in Ethiopia. Here's where you can go to sign it (please do!!):

http://www.gopetition.com/petition/43714.html

And here's what it says:
Last week the Ethiopian Ministry of Women's, Children's and Youth Affairs announced their intention to reduce intercountry adoptions by 90% beginning March 10, 2011. The Ministry's plan for a dramatic reduction is apparently based on two primary issues; 1) the assumption that corruption in intercountry adoption is systemic and rampant and 2) the Ministry's resources should be focused on the children for whom intercountry adoption is not an option. Without further announcements by the Government of Ethiopia, it is our understanding that the Ministry's plan will be initiated this week.

The Ministry's plan is a tragic, unnecessary and disproportionate reaction to concerns of isolated abuses in the adoption process and fails to reflect the overwhelmingly positive, ethical and legal services provided to children and families through intercountry adoption. Rather than eliminate the right of Ethiopian children to a permanent family, we encourage the Ministry to accept the partnerships offered by governments, NGOs, and foundations. Such partnerships could increase the Ministry's capacity to regulate service providers and further ensure ethical adoptions.

The Ministry's plan, which calls for the processing of only five adoption cases per work day, will result not only in systemic and lasting damage to a large sector of social services, but will have an immediate impact on the lives and futures of children. Moving from over 4,000 adoptions per year to less than 500 will result in thousands of children languishing in under-regulated and poorly resourced institutions for years. For those children who are currently institutionalized and legally available for adoption, the Ministry's plan will increase their time languishing in institutions for up to 7-years.

Joint Council respectfully urges the Ministry of Women's, Children's and Youth Affairs to reconsider their plan and to partner with governments, NGOs and foundations to achieve their goals and avoid the coming tragedy for children and families.

Please PRAY!

 I just read this! Simply put this article states that because the adoption arena in Ethiopia is so corrupt they are cutting adoptions by 90% possibly. The Ministry of Women and Children (who process adoptions for the Ethiopian government) are currently processing 5 adoptions a day out of Ethiopia and only days ago that number was 50! Of course most people will tell you that this is just a precursor to actually closing the country down from any adoptions at all. We had heard rumors of this since we began the process but hoped and prayed we would slide in before this happened. Of course this is much faster than we anticipated and to be honest I'm not sure where this leaves our family. And if I'm going to be truly honest this leaves me heartbroken! I know God's timing is perfect and He is not at all surprised by this but I'm finding it hard to think of the many options that we could now possibly face. Do we wait months and possibly years for Ethiopia to reopen? Do we continue as if nothing has changed? Do we stop the process and start from scratch looking at a new country? This last question upsets me the most because my heart is so tied with this country. I have prayed for my baby and prayed with intention that he was in Ethiopia. What does that mean for him? Is he left without a home, a family? Am i to abandon the love God has given me? I don't know...I'm a little off balance and ask if you would please pray! Pray that this situation would be handled and quickly so any unknowns would be made known. Pray that the families affected by this news and the possible closing of this country would find peace, wisdom and answers in an already crazy process.  Pray that the Holy Spirit would comfort those who find themselves lost in the mass chaos.

I plan on contacting our Family Coordinator with our agency to find out what they advise our family and how they feel we should progress from here. I will keep you updated and let you know what we hear. Thanks so much for being there and supporting us in prayer!

The Search for Love

Well, we just got back from vacation and it was fabulous and tons of fun, but that is why I haven't blogged in a while! But I'm getting back into the swing of things, laundry, work, making food instead of ordering! All the oldies but goodies! And yet I find myself in a bit of an upset. Nothing seems to click like I want it to and my spirit feels out of place. And so I know God is aching to refine, purge and mold me some more. Which if I can be honest is bittersweet! I know that's awful to admit but in my experience the process is rather painful but worth it in the end. And unfortunately or maybe fortunately I know what He is wanting to do. Bring me back to His love. Sounds easy right? I wish it were so.

This next part has to include a confession. I am constantly searching for love. Love, affection, adoration...I don't care what you call it I'm always wanting more. Nothing can quench my desire to be loved. And like most females I know I search for it everywhere! Anything that will fill the void. I look for it in my husband, my kids, the world's view on my worth. And as most of you can guess I come up with a big fat nothing. Left watching a romantic comedy to get my quick fill of that 'feel good' feeling! Sad isn't it? Those things the world offers me as a quick fix are just not cutting it. I need something more, something with more depth and Jesus is so good to know that. He is so good to call me back and not give me Christian cliches. He knows I need to bask in His love, his affection and His adoration. And let me clarify this isn't about me, it's all about Him. The reminder that He is worthy for me to give affection, love and adoration and only through Him will I find all of these things.

But in order to get to that place it means letting go of so many mindsets and old habits. Pushing myself, what the world has told me and what my past has ingrained in me aside! Revealing where truth is hidden and grabbing that and running towards Jesus! This also means the enemy will be on the prowl...ugh! I hate this! I'm not the strong Christian girl who enjoys the attacks of the enemy because its a reminder that she is a threat! I'm the girl who screams out scripture and the powerful name of Jesus in hopes that it will scare them away!

So as I walk this next part of my journey out I would so covet your prayers. I know this is so much more difficult if I am alone and I trust that God will place people around me to encourage and lift me up, because He is just good like that. I promise I'll try to give an upbeat post next...sorry they've all been debbie downers lately! Oh well as Scott says at least it's something I'm passionate about! Much love! Take Care!

Pride

Let me start out by saying that my desire for this blog is not to toot my own horn or for millions to read it. My ultimate desire is to look back years from now and see the hand of God upon my life. To see transformation and miracles and a building of faith. To give my kids something in writing that shows all of my flaws, beauty and passion and for them to realize that that's ok! But in order for this to all happen it means there must be a level of transparency that is uncomfortable. If I am not real with myself on here than it will all be surface and shallow and Gods hand will never be seen.

With that being said this particular blog is difficult to write because I fear I may come across much different than I intend. I pray you read it and see the truth and honesty intended.

Now to the good stuff!

Well, my fabulous friend Brittany Bethel posted on her blog about pride, which was my motivation to write these thoughts down. If you want to read it in its entirety click here. But in it she writes about what prides intentions are in our life. Here is an exert from it.


"My name is Pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because you demand your own way. I cheat you of contentment…because you “deserve better than this”. I cheat you of knowledge…because you know it all. I cheat you of healing…because you’re too full of me to forgive. I cheat you of holiness…because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong. I cheat you of vision…because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window. I cheat you of genuine friendship…because nobody’s going to know the real you. I cheat you of love…because real romance demands sacrifice. I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth. I cheat you of God’s glory…because I convince you to seen your own glory. My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you. Untrue. I’m looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry if you stick with me you’ll never know."

Does anyone else want to heave a sigh of shame with me? Anyone else ever allowed pride to creep in so slowly that you never knew what hit you? Well this last week I have not only done this but lost focus on my calling because of it. Let me explain further. For those who don't know, I sing! I have sung since junior high, although my mom says I made songs up in the bath when I was 2! But my earliest memories of actually singing were in junior high. I currently sing and am a member of our home churches worship team. I serve about once a month and never feel more at home than when I am worshipping. But with anything done in the public eye you run the risk of allowing pride to creep in.

And as I sing more, more family and friends have given me encouragement, support and even compliments. (Let me say before anyone gets the wrong idea...thank you for this! Your words of encouragement that God used me in some way to touch you or speak to you are why I serve. Not because I want recognition but because I want to give it to Him! And this blog is in no way a poor reflection on your comments to me!) Some people have even asked me why I don't try out for talent contests. (Lets be honest the worst one is my husband!) And my answer is always the same, God has never given me the desire to "be famous" or pursue a career in the public this way. But here recently I have had the desire to audition and pursue fame! And with this desire came a complete obsession with the world. A need to make myself known, which I have never had. An overwhelming urge to show the world what I have to offer...aka PRIDE!

Let me clarify something - I've sung for the world, in theater and other venues and led worship and the two are very different. Theater requires a great deal of confidence, pride and ultimately the ability to fabricate an illusion , something not real. While worship is and should be authentic. A moment in time that isn't about you but all about Him. And I believe most worshippers would tell you we all walk a fine line. A fine line between confidence in the gifts He has given and a humbleness of spirit from being in the presence of a holy and righteous God.

So where has that left me this week? Rather heavy on the confidence in the gifts with no humbleness at all! And this has caused me to lose focus on the important things. I do believe you can be humble and in the spotlight. There are many people I can think of who are in the public eye and admired for their gifts who still remain humble. But I'm just not there. Thats just honest! It took a week of thinking this way and look where it got me. Perhaps thats why God has never given me the desire to toot my own horn! He knows I can't handle it, at least for now! Perhaps when I'm 80 years old He will open a door for me, confident that I will not run from all He has taught me. But for now I'm thankful that He caught me, brought me back home and reminded me that only through Him do I have purpose.

So I leave you feeling a bit lighter after spending some time with my Jesus. Knowing that even before I wrote this He had cleansed it all! Knowing that His mercies are new each morning! Thanks for listening to me ramble and spill my flaws in front of you! Hoping this finds you walking in humbleness and not in pride!

Living Life = Love

Last night was an eventful trip to the ER for us. Both girls have been running low grade fevers with cough and runny nose for days now, but trying to be a calm mother and not overeact, I thought with the weather this is typical and will run it's course. Well, last night I gave the girls some medicine hoping it would help them sleep more comfortably and would you believe Lily's system most definitely revolted. Around midnight I found my normal 3 year old struggling to breathe, shaking uncontrollably and later vomiting a ridiculous amount. So needless to say it frightened Scott and myself and off Lily and I went.

For those who have visited the emergency room late at night by yourself with a small child you can vouch for me in saying it is an adventure to rival no other! I think they must have wheeled in no less than 5 men handcuffed to their hospital bed escorted by police. Each one in a different state of upheaval, some passed out from some unknown effect and others giving the waiting room a colorful array of words!

Immediately upon seeing Lily they sent us to triage and she was checked for all necessary vital stats. (Side note: Lily hates the doctor, anything to do with doctors, so she screamed and kicked and fought to just take her temperature! Tons of fun for mommy!) But after seeing that her vitals were ok and oxygen saturation was in the high 90's they sent us back out to "wait!". I say wait because three and a half hours later we still sat there! Over these three hours the words emergency room become some what of a joke in my mind! As Lily sat there shaking and visibly upset because she didn't know what was happening we waited! But that's another story for another time!

The thing that hit me actually happened in triage at the beginning of our visit. Lily and I were the only ones back there and I think the nurse and registration attendant must have forgotten we were there because they began talking about the morning ER happenings. Apparently a young woman had brought her baby in to the ER frantic and upset and upon sight the RN saw the child was a SIDS baby. Can I just pause here and say I have never been directly related to any family member or friend who has had this. The pain, grief and questions must be beyond comprehension as there is no answer to your babies death and my mind cannot fathom the loss of a child. All I could think after hearing this is somewhere in the city I live in there is a mother so overcome with grief that she probably cannot function. Somewhere in Odessa, TX there is a family whose whole life has been forever changed! And I found myself grieving for them, praying for peace and thanking God that my girls were healthy!

The Bible tells us that we are not promised tomorrow, that our life is here today and gone tomorrow. Which makes me think...what will I do to make it worth something? What will my life say when I am gone? What will my children and husband say about how I chose to live my life? And this is what I have come up with...LOVE! Love big, love loud, love outrageously! I have come to realize that when others criticize my parenting style saying I spoil my kids...guess what? I call it LOVE! I say when my 3 year old laying next to me sound asleep rolls over and says,"I wub you mama!" that's confirmation that even she gets it! LOVE! I know this is what my savior did while he walked the earth. And as He continues to act out of love He pleads my case daily before the Father!

So I encourage you! LOVE! LOVE so much that people cannot mistake your intentions, choices and actions! Live life outrageously with LOVE!

Courage

Well, with the crazy weather (-6 with windchill!), we are stuck inside and while the kids go stir crazy, mommy is starting to lean that way too! Scott's home sick and the dog wants to get outside...but we Texans are just not used to this freezing cold and so we huddle inside waiting for our moderate 65+ winter to return. (For those northerners please refrain from snickering...your blood must be thicker to withstand such awful temperatures!) So, while I wait I sit under a cozy blanket about to put my southwest chicken stew in the crockpot and my sweet husband turns 'The Princess Dairies' on TV! Can I be honest? I love this movie! It's sweet and doesn't require a great deal of thought on my part, all the while leaving me with a nice message at the end. I've seen this movie many times and towards the end the main character reads a letter from her father and he imparts some wisdom to her. I did a little research and found the original author, Ambrose Redmoon, and this is what he says,

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

I think this statement has always struck me because I tend to walk in fear more often than not. Worry, anxiety and fear are old friends. We've known one another for more years than I care to remember and sometimes these three can rule my life. Add on to that my ridiculous need to please people and...well, you've got yourself one crazy lady! But in past years I've come to acknowledge and realize that I have no control over anything and day by day I give it all to Jesus. That's not to say I excel at this, no, in fact I struggle every day to maintain sanity and peace in the face of a world that is quickly crumbling.

I tell you all of this to say my courage is always lacking. My courage to stand up for what I believe in, my courage to face adversity. My courage to speak truth to those I love knowing it may cause tension. In all of these things I usually falter. So where does that leave me? It leaves me standing In fear again.

So, I head to my trusted, tried and true Bible! I searched courage in the Bible and do you know what I found? Over 13 references in the Old Testament alone saying, "Be strong and courageous!" Wow! The word of God is telling me to stand up, be strong and courageous! Just like my quote above, courage is not standing up fearless but realizing that there is something more important at stake than my comfort. Things like teaching my girls what truth is. Modeling that in my actions and words to others. Realizing that although tension and hurt are possible if truth is spoken in love, change can happen! Not just speaking but living the truths of God as a witness to His miraculous glory and grace! And while these things make me uncomfortable and full of fear I strive daily to, "Be strong and courageous!" Not because there is anything in me that makes this possible but because my strength and courage come fully from Christ.

Joshua 1:9 says, "This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you where ever you go."

This is one of many promises He has given me through His word. While I lean wholly on Him for strength and courage He is always with me. He is there in the moments when I can't seem to get the words out, the moments when I falter to speak words of life and the moments when I think I may fail again. Time and time again He replaces my fear with His courage.

So while I write today in the comfort and warmth of my home I wonder what next step of faith He will ask of me. What new adventure will He call me to? Praying and hoping that while obstacles will present themselves, I do not have to give into fear, knowing that His strength, courage and presence will always overcome.

What's it going to take?

Last night while laying in bed I picked up a book Scott recently brought home. It's called The Hole in our Gospel and it's written by the president of World Vision. I actually only got through the prologue of the book, but while reading I was so struck by his story. The story of an ordinary, every day man who went to Uganda and was completely broken. Broken by what his eyes saw, what his heart felt and truly where he found himself lacking. Here he had been a believer for over 20 years and what had he done to show the least of these, love, support and hope? The part that struck me was not only his experience but that the blinders of his safe comfortable life were torn away and he was gloriously ruined!!

I wonder what it will take for us to be gloriously ruined? For our eyes to be opened to not only the poverty crisis but the orphan crisis in the world. For us as believers to not look at another couple who are adopting and think well gee that's great, but to realize and remember there are 147 million just like him! Will it take a picture like this?

An image ingrained into your brain to remember that these children are without the basic necessities we so easily take for granted? Food, shelter, clothing, water....and the list goes on.  And this picture is tame compared with many others I considered posting. I've posted video's on here that have shown pictures, clips and statistics about how many children go to bed each night hungry and with no one to hear their cry's. I wonder what it will take?

Does it always require a trip to a foreign land where we are immersed in a different culture? I don't think so. I've never been overseas, never seen 45-100 children in an orphanage begging for attention and love. I've never seen a 13 year old girl given to an older man and expected to start raising children while she still remains a child herself! Yet my heart has been torn in two. My heart aches as God gives me His eyes and allows me to see what I have never seen firsthand. I wonder what it will take?

What will it take for the people of God to start acting? To start being His hands and feet! To stop talking about it and start doing something! Scott and I started this adoption process because God broke our hearts. We started this process because we wanted to do something. But in doing this meager, very small something we have been stirred to do so much more!!!! To be a voice for those who don't have one, to help others stand up and find their voice. To walk with others as they search their own hearts regarding adoption and missions. And while walking through this incredible journey I've found that God doesn't require perfection or knowledge, He only requires a willing heart ready to do as He asks. Don't stand in fear of what if! Stand in awe that the God of the universe would allow us to be used! So I ask you again...

What is it going to take?

Controversy

Here recently I have found that the word controversial is a great descriptor for Adoption. Google 'adoption' and you will not only find many agencies willing to aide you but many articles and blogs against the idea of adoption. And when we first started this process I found myself getting lost in the pro's and con's everyone had to share. I would finish an article weeping and wondering if this choice of ours was the best option not only for this child but for our family as well. Then in the next moment I would read a blog of an adoptive child, now an adult, sharing the joys, blessings and love that came from their parents and adoptive home. It is no wonder that this topic is so controversial with all of the opinions floating about. But in the end I always came back to truth! Your opinion, my opinion the world's view and the billboard off of Grant Street will not last any length of time nor will it stand the test of time as truth. But the Word of God will last forever. And  the Bible say this about Adoption...


Exodus 2 says Pharaoh's Daughter adopted Moses (pro)
Esther 2 says Mordecai adopted his younger cousin Esther (pro)
John 19 we see Jesus hanging on the cross and as He looks down and sees His own mother and the disciple that He loved He tells them both to look upon one another as mother and son. Verse 27b says "and from that hour that disciple took her to his own home." (pro)


Adoption is not a foreign concept. Nor is it written with a bad connotation in the Word of God. No! In fact we as believers have been adopted. Romans 8:15 says, "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children." I don't know about you but this verse makes me want to shout and scream praises at my God. That he loved me enough, chose to show his glory through me and adopted me as one of his own. That I am a co-heir with Jesus Christ!!!! 


Now while Scott and I accept and believe all of these things as truth, the world and sadly even some believers can still find the negative in adoption. And while the subject is still controversial I'm glad!!! You may be rereading that last statement questioning my sanity but I believe Jesus was controversial. The bible even today is controversial. Why should my life and choices be any different? Why shouldn't my family stand out? Not for our glory or sake but for HIS!


Steven Furtick, pastor of Elevation church wrote a blog about being controversial, here is a brief passage.


"They're so afraid of upsetting anyone that they compromise their message and the unique calling God has placed on them. They avoid criticism, which no one likes to receive. But they forfeit something far greater:
Influence. You can't have influence if you are not willing to be controversial.


Just ask Jesus. People in Jesus' day sharply differed on their opinions of Him. Wherever He went, people loved Him. And loved to hate Him. They flocked to Him to hear Him preach and see Him heal. But also to argue with Him and accuse Him of being the devil.


Jesus was controversial."


And this is how I leave you. I want my life to be controversial. I want others to look at me and wonder what is different, what separates her and her family from the world? What do her life choices say about her beliefs and convictions? Because these questions give me direct access into their lives. These questions allow me the wonderful opportunity to say I do it all for Jesus! The love I give, the choices I make and the impact I am able to have is only through HIM! All praise, honor and glory belong only to the one true risen god, Jesus Christ!!!!

All consuming!!

Well I just spent the last 2-3 hours on the phone with my mom and both of my brothers. And you can probably guess what we were talking about...babies! Of course most conversations start with stories about Lily and Anna and how funny and completely different they are! My oldest brother always asks me if I have any new "Lily stories"! HA! I live every day in Lily stories! HA!

Eventually we are on the phone for longer than we anticipated talking about the girls and of course the adoption and where everything currently is. And you know what I always think when I hang up? I could literally talk about this all day. Dream about where he is, when I will get to hold him for the first time or see his picture! Anything and everything can become all consuming!

And as thoughts, concerns and worries consume me I try to fall back on what I know is truth. I am confident that while I don't have all the details, God does. I am also confident that while I rest safely in God's arms so does my son, where ever he is. And while I don't always practice these truths in every moment, God is so good to me. Good to place family and friends around us who are so excited for us! Let me share with you some of the fun things people have said or told us that have kept me smiling and encouraged.

My two brothers fighting over what sports equipment to get him. Troy wants soccer and Tyler wants baseball.

Listening to my mom ask me why we can't bring home two sweet babies!!

Receiving texts from our friend Barbie that are filled with incredible amounts of encouragement.

Having my sister-in-law say that she and her husband are humbled to be named his guardians! (this one makes a mommy's heart burst with joy!)

Listening to Lily watch Lion King and say her brother lives there in Africa! And continue to ask me if he can play with her in the playroom when Mommy brings him home!

Share this journey with high school students and watch as they ask us about our son and share their own desire to adopt one day as we model this for them!

Fall in love with God more as He opens and softens hearts towards transracial adoption.

I could literally write pages of this! And as we continue along this journey we are so grateful. Grateful to have been chosen by God for this awesome assignment! Yes it is full of roller coaster moments, highs and lows but I wouldn't trade it for anything. At the beginning of this process I was frightened and questioned why God would have called us to something like this. I knew that my weak spirit could not handle the looks, the questions and the constant tension prevalent in transracial adoption. After voicing these concerns to a friend who has adopted two from Ethiopia she simply said, "Nikki, God does not always call us to the easy things!" and while some of this has been trying I can honestly say that I am so thankful He has called me to be uncomfortable. There is no reward in the easy! And the incredible blessings and life change I have seen in myself, my husband, family and friends are worth every moment of pain I may endure! So today I stand thankful that God has called me to the hard! Thankful that He has chosen to use me to show grace and love in the life of a child!

Celebrating others!

This post is a bit unorthodox for me but I just couldn't resist celebrating the crafty and creative things my friends are currently offering! Both of the women I am celebrating today are phenomenal! They are dear friends who are great wives and mothers and I encourage you to check their stuff out and buy if you can!

Nathalie Whisnant and I met on her wedding day! Her husband and Scott were friends in college and Scott was in the wedding. Because of our husbands friendship we have created one I'm sure would rival theirs! I have come to not only value her friendship but her advice about being a mother and her constant encouragement in my life. She has created Drops of Earth! This is what her etsy page says..."All of our organic skin care products are made in small batches with great care...and love, of course. We believe in using simple, organic, raw, wild-harvested, and local ingredients. By doing this, you get to experience pure, healthful, rich, luxurious, effective products that will keep you and your babies smiling." All of her products are made for mama and baby and will leave both of you feeling soft, smooth and pampered. Also check out her Blog for other insane crafty things she comes up with!

Another friend of mine is Rachel Van Hook. Her husband and Scott were on staff together at a church in TN and we all became fast friends! Rachel's daughters are almost the exact same age as my own and so life is very similar for us in that respect. I have come to admire and be encouraged by her love for people and her God! Rachel and her husband Chuck have recently helped plant a church in western TN and because Rachel is soooo crafty she started crocheting! I've encouraged her to start her own etsy page but for now she is showcasing on facebook!

Like I said please support these fabulous women as they support their families through these products! Enjoy and if you know of others let me know! I am all about the awesome creations of others..because let's be honest, I can't do any of it! HA!

Why Ethiopia?

If you have been following our blog or reading our facebook posts then you hopefully have been rejoicing with us! Rejoicing because so much of this process has been easy and had so much favor on it. And while it has been easy, there is another side that I haven't shared with everyone. The side where you question and are anxious over everything. The part where you allow others opinions and questions to dictate how you feel about the process and the decisions you have made thus far. Recently I read a blog from another adoptive mom. She writes about peoples reactions and questions and well I'll let you read a snip-it!

"Everyone has a different reaction to our decision to grow our family through adoption. Some people are excited and supportive. Some think we are doing a “kind deed” by helping the poor child. Others are skeptical and wonder if we will love the child the same as our birthed children. Some people feel the need to share some examples of other adopted children who rebelled when they grew up and treated their adoptive parents poorly. Others are in dismay as to why we would adopt a child when I can physically birth children, and they are perplexed as to why we would want a child of another race. Others are against adoption, especially international adoption. Our reason for adoption is simple: love. We wholeheartedly believe that every child is uniquely created and is deserving of love. We believe that every child, regardless of skin color and special needs, was created to grow up in the context of a loving family. All children were wonderfully and lovingly made."

I could not agree more with EVERYTHING she writes. We have received everyone of these reactions and while some cause me to pause and word my answer appropriately, I know my answer every time is LOVE! This is our motivator, our goal, our mission and the purpose of our life. To show the love of Christ to everyone!!

And as I write this I think one of the more frequent questions or comments we receive is, why go over seas? There are so many children who need homes and love right here on our own soil. And I will be honest...I agree!! There are children all over the world in need of love and a family. The best answer I can give you about our decision is, God led us to Ethiopia. God has so burdened our hearts for this country and its people that we cannot deny His leading and His hand in our adoption.

The catalyst for this post was a video that I saw on a friends blog. Our friends have adopted two children from Ethiopia and have been and continue to be supporters and encourager's during this process for us. And let me tell you...watch it!!!!! Don't allow guilt and fear to creep in, but come alive knowing that you have the power to act! You too can reach a hand out in the name of Jesus Christ in Ethiopia, Russia, USA...Where ever!! There are 147 MILLION orphans worldwide! And God in all His sovereignty has chosen us to reach out a hand to a child in Ethiopia. Not because we are worthy or able but because Jesus IS!